Stuck In The Middle (on hold)

Muddled Mind

Maybe I was over reacting? Maybe this whole time I've just been over reacting? It's true I want change but how do I go about it when all I have known was Tobias. I should have never said yes to him I should have never kissed him. Tobias changed my life for the worse, at first I could not see this. I was blind.I'm anything but the person that I used to be. I would never cry for myself but he's made me hate myself and him also. I swear he had set out to destroy me in the first place. His mind games screw me over and steal my heart whilst his physical form tortures me. He is like Satan, the beastly ruler of hell, in disguise as a mere mortal...

...I know that's probably a little too far but it's true, he leaves a shiver of fear in his wake. Even after he is gone he will torment me. I felt my life slowly being ripped away from me. He'd control everything I did, he'd force me into things I didn't want to do and I hated it. I hated him for it, but my hatred never lasts.

If I was do describe how I feel in one word, I'd say I'm shattered. I'm shattered, broken into pieces with the consistency and size of a grain of sand. I can never be fixed back into the person I once was. I could learn to live with that, rather easily actually. I'd have no problem with that as long as I stay with Four. I hate life when he is gone but I hate it even more when he is with me. I don't know why but I miss him.

I argue with myself most of the time and it just consists of:
Why don't you just leave?
It would be easy.
I know it would but it's really not that simple, I just can't leave him.
why?
Because I don't know if he will attempt to hurt those I love. What if he kill someone? I wouldn't be able to cope knowing that it was my fault. If I just avoid him then I'd have no problem. But I can't do that because he'll find me he alway will and I-

A sharp knock disturbs my thoughts. "Hey, you finished in there?" I glance up at my face, the pinkish red sprawled across my bruised skin. It's healing, finally. I'm in a better mood today after speaking with Eric. I understand how he feels, however he needs to know that I'm able to deal with it on my own. I think that for my sake I should leave Four but I'm not too-
"Tris! Robert is here." He continues yelling and whining. Uriah can be so annoying sometimes. I don't say anything because I don't want to see Robert. He'll see the bruise on my face and he will ask questions. The finger marks have faded but I just don't want him to start asking questions. "I'm s-still not done..." I stammer as more tears build breaking the floodgates. I can't leave now. They'll know something's wrong. I hear heavy feet by the door and another knock.  It's heavier and more commanding then Uriah's. I don't know what to do, if I don't unlock the door and come out they will know something is wrong but if I bolt out and into my room they'll still know something is wrong. not only that but there is no lock on the bedroom door so I wouldn't be able to hide in there from them.

"Tris, can you come out and talk to me please?" Eric... What is he doing here? probably wanting to use the bathroom. He can't see me like this either. I do to any to show them all I'm weak they'll just be childish and I can't be dealing with that at the moment.

"I'm fine, just finishing up." I reply calmly pawing at the tears on my face. I just need space don't they understand that. I don't need to be smothered and checked on every couple minutes. I'm not a baby. It's not like I'm going to do anything stupid I just simply want some time alone. Is that too much to ask for? Actually I guess it is in a way. I'll just clean myself up and head out for the day. give myself some space from the rest of them. Sometimes I hate being stuck in a house full of me. 

My eyes catch my reflection in the mirror, Paler then normal skin, dead grey eyes, the bruise that deforms my face with faded purple and red finger marks. Suck it up Tris! I'm just gonna have to attempt to cover it up with makeup and get on with life. Just got to keep moving forward I guess...