Late Night Feels

VII

I hate the holidays.
Because every holiday reminds me of you
But that's something I can't change.
I'd like to erase it.
And possibly erase myself
Because if I can erase myself
I can erase these memories,
And if I could erase these memories
I could slip past the pain
And smother out the burning flame
I call to blame
My anxiety.
It likes to haunt me.
It likes to taunt me.
One glimpse of my past and I'm
Spiraling down a black hole,
Vision blurry,
Mouth dry.
I remember your face and I can't breathe.
But I remember the little good too.
But with an overwhelming amount of bad,
The little good does not seem good enough
Because when you're told you're bad,
You're bad.
The little good becomes a big bad
And I wish I had
Said so much and done so much
But I took the brunt and I was beaten alive,
Smothered alive,
Dead inside.
I died inside.
They say I don't smile enough.
They say I'm always angry.
Yes I'm always angry because every day
I'm reminded of you
Whether I want it or not.
Everyday reminded of what I'm not
But who you think I am
I am not what you think I am
Please understand
I don't want to hurt you,
I just need to runaway because if I runaway
I reset and forget
And the anxiety dulls
But always remains
Until the next year
The next day.
I will never be the same and
I hate it,
Because with every year
Comes the holidays.