Single DAD

10.Unsurprised (surprised P2)

Saying goodbye is hard.It is even harder to say it to the one we love. when we know that they are leaving for good.

how do you say, don't leave me ? how do you say, don't go , I won't survive without you ? how do you say that ?

truth is, You don't ? because no matter what you bargain inside your mind one part of its knows that , stopping them won't matter ,because maybe , maybe it won't work. So you stay silent. standing there sucking down all those words you made up in your mind to stop them. Thrusting them deep under your throat so it won't hurt anyone but you.

" So you are really going ?! " I stand there lost in words holding that letter firmly while reading every word carefully twice to confirm the news.

I looked up at brody ,I didn't know how to react. He seemed so happy ,cheerful.

" Yeah ,bro ! " he said smile still concrete on his face. He took the letter from my hand.

" Congratulations ! " I beamed to hug him.

" Thanks ,man. I mean like it's a famous university and mom dad are really happy. I am really excited about it."

I nod my head in agreement. He was really going and there was nothing I could do about it. I mean how could I say him to not go when he was really determined and robustly happy about it. how was I supposed to say to him that I needed him more than ever? lexie wasn't in good shape. the complexion in pregnancy has gone too far and I needed my best friend to be there for me.

I wanted my friend with me. beside me when everything would be probably a mess , I wanted him beside me sitting giving me hopes, encouraging me to have faith. giving me enough strength when I will fell short upon  my belief. I needed him.

what I was supposed to do?

i looked into his eyes ,they seems to crave for more than my blessings. They needed my approval.

" You should go, man. It's a big deal. I am really happy for you." I said as I pulled him into a hug.

" But what about You and lexie. I don't want to leave you guys here alone ? "

Brody had no idea what lexie was going through. I hadn't told him , i was going to tell him today but he surprised me with his own news.

I couldn't tell.

It is really hard to pretend you are happy for someone when you are not. When you have so much to say and you can't because it doesn't feel right anymore. you can't smile because face becomes rigid , eyes fill with unexpressed emotions but all u want to do is freeze those emotions right the at edge of eyes. you have your heart  in your hand beating uncontrollably and the blood is pouring that you are hiding in between closed hands. 

I sat there on couch silent. its had been half hour since brody has left. I remember the first time we had fought in kindergarten. I wanted that red crayon so bad to draw my kitty cat and he needed the same crayon to draw his red football drawing. we had so many crayons right there in front of us but we wanted that only red crayon. and the last thing I knew that we were fighting against Megatron who meddle in to grab it away from us cause she had princess drawing which needed the same red crayon and that's how we became best friends.

now he was going away for college leaving me here behind. I could have been with him too. not that I regret anything that has happened in my life but I would be missing a big part of my life without him.

I sigh loud.

These hospital hours are never going to rest me for good.I would love a good night sleep, with my blanket warming up my body.