Deadpool vs. Hit-Girl

Chapter Two: Deadpool Can't be Arsed

'To the Batmobile, Robin!' Yelled Deadpool victoriously as a he launched himself off the bridge-pole, and plummeted towards the road below.
Muffled swearing floated up from his crotch. 'Shut it, Adsit!' Said Deadpool in mid-air.

Deadpool felt the air rush over the beautiful blonde hair which he definitely didn't have.
'Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can!'
He chanced a glimpse downwards, and saw his target. A black car, speeding along the freeway below.
3. 2. 1.
The smash of glass, as the sunroof shattered all over the denizens of the car. A panicked driver swerved and swore. The thugs in the grinning masks all barely had time to react before the man in the red and black suit snapped one of their necks, then clicked a seatbelt and kicked another of their number out onto the road spanning behind; where he would have heard an alarming cracking sound as every bone in his idiotic body fractured and broke: that is of course if he wasn't so dead.

One of the still-breathing goons grabbed Deadpool by the head, and jammed his face into the seat behind.
'Mmh. Rich Corinthian leather' This foolhardy idiot then decided to pump a full round of bullets into the spine of his attacker. Sadly the thug only got a face full of blood, and a ridiculously broken window. Which Deadpool then threw him out of.

The other cars on this particularly unfortunate road were at worst swerving off the sides of the bridge into the angry sea below, or at best they had stopped and the people inside had gotten out and ran for their lives.

Deadpool then sliced the seatbelt of the driver in half with a perfectly swung katana sword. He then jammed his foot onto the 'seat forward' wheel, slamming the driver straight forward into the steering wheel. The front passenger unleashed a flurry of hot lead on Deadpool. The bullets all dramatically went straight through the target's head.
Deadpool momentarily forgot how to speak, but then swiftly remembered again, and gave the gunman the noble gesture of a middle finger. He then drove the aforementioned sword into  the driver via the back of his seat.
A dreadful crunching sound chimed out across the car, as the sword went through the seat, then the driver, and then finally into the dashboard: really screwing up the car's inner workings Brown petrol started to pour into the front footwells from the dashboard area, coming up to the ankles of the only still-living henchman. Deadpool then lobbed a lighter into the petrol. 'He shoots! He scooooorres!!' was the last thing that the henchman heard.

An enormous explosion of fire and heat instantly enveloped the car; chargrilling the metal exterior, and the Corinthian leather innards. The henchman enjoyed his last ever Sunday roast.

About 5 minutes later, Deadpool, who was still on fire, and looking even more like a melted candle than usual, strolled out of the burning wreckage with a beaming smile on his hideous face.
'Oh shit! My costume's burnt off!' He swore to himself. He was completely nude in the middle of a public highway.
'Well, at least that's one more thing off my bucket list.' Deadpool said optimistically.

By the time he got back to his Bat-Cave he had already been almost arrested about 32 times. All of the police had been much too scared to approach the butt-naked, scarred man confidently strolling down the high-streets of Vancouver in broad daylight. He even took the time to wave at passers-by cheerfully. He only made about half of them throw up.

He let himself to his apartment by simply kicking the door down. The innocent wooden door face-planted on the dirty carpet with an unceremonious thud. Deadpool looked through his Vancouver base, and the decided to lie down on a sofa. He reached lazily for the remote, realised there was a knife in his forehead, pulled it out, and turned on the TV. He eventually settled for a programme featuring an interesting sea-anemone.
Then Adsit rounded the corner and had the shock of his life. 'What the f*** are you doing!?' He yelled. Wade then replied, with no real urgency in his voice, 'Just resting really. There's a naked sea-anemone on the TV, if you're into that sort of stuff.'
Adsit gave Wade a withering stare. 'I'll say this one more time: 'get off your arse, and PUT SOME BLOODY CLOTHES ON!' Wade put on his best disgruntled face, and sulked off to his bedroom. 2 minutes passed, and Wade reemerged wearing underwear and crocs and holding a stuffed unicorn. 'Nope and no.' Said Adsit sternly.
'You can't tell what to do.' Wade answered back, before promptly planting himself on the sofa. Adsit left the room at that point, and went and sat in the kitchen.