Is It Not

Chapter 9

Song: Unsteady- X Ambassadors
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*2 weeks later*

"I've told you this many times, and I'll say it again," he says, "my mind is very a very dark and complicated place to understand."

I just look at him, really look at him. I get it, I do, I know what it's like to live in a place that's darker than the night sky. I just don't understand why he can't slowly open up to me like I've done to him.

I bite my tongue from saying it though because it is not necessary for this conversation.

He brings his hands up to cup my face. I have to use all the will power I have in me not to flinch. I've gotten used to his affection and actions, but it's still my first instinct.

"Darling, I'm sorry," he sighs staring into my eyes. He always tells me direct eye contact is not easy for him. "I'm not as put together as you."

I laugh at this, quite hard too. He doesn't make a face at my reaction, so I'm sure he was expecting it. He probably knows what I'm thinking too.

"That's the funniest thing I've heard besides Ella calling me a princess," I shake my head.

"You're more put together than I am," he rewords his statement.

"Do you know who you're talking to right now?" I ask rhetorically. "I'm the epitome of the song 'I'm a Mess'."

"I don't think you give yourself enough credit," he argues, "you're an incredibly strong person."

"I'm strong?" I laugh, "Since when is being strong crumbling in the hands of attention. When we first met you were right when you said I crave attention, I crave it because I crave affection since I've hardly received any since my mom died."

"In the beginning your dad—."

"Don't you dare say my dad gave me affection right after it happened because he didn't, he did not give one care once she was placed in the ground, I was just another reminder of what he had just lost. Death does crazy things to some people, and my dad was one of those who can't handle it."

"I'll give you all the attention and affection you want."

"All I want is for you to open up to me," I say bluntly.

His face scrunches up in pain as if it hurts him to reply. "I can't do that."

"God you're so infuriating," I pull his hands off my face, "why can't you just open up to me like I've done to you?"

"It's not that easy for me."

"And you think it was easy for me?" I laugh although nothing is funny.

"Well you seemed anxious to tell me."

"Well gee, I'm sorry for feeling safe for the first time in years when I'm with you ," I retort.

"Char I lo—," he starts, but I cut him off.

"I sacrificed a lot for us to work Alex, I gave up my sense of always wanting to protect myself, and I learned how to not always rely only on myself," I tell him although he already knows, "what have you given up when you won't even give me the slightest hindsight into your past?"

"I don't like talking about it, reliving old memories I spend hours every day super ssinf is not what I enjoy," he defends.

"I just want to get to know you better," I reply, "there's only so much you can learn from what little you've told me or I've pieced together."

"Don't you think I know that," he sighs, "I've taken the time to decode you."

"Do you? Do you understand that because you don't seem to." I don't mean for it to sound how it does when I say it. "I like knowing things about the people I care about."