Pinay's Pie

Chapter Two : Survivor's Guilt Mode

I had changed my status the day before and thus decided that I needed to start the next day with a fresh new perspective. I didn't need to regret what I did because it was for his own good. I couldn't be with someone who would never understand what writing mean to me. And I wasn't going to be with someone who didn't have a drop of common sense. No wonder his parents were not supportive of his half-assed decisions. He had no idea what he wanted to do in his life.

Another clue as to why my ex was such a guilt-trip addict came into my Google mail that morning. It was an e-mail from his father.

I am sorry to disturb your peace but I was told that Ian was rushed to the hospital yesterday. I hope you can pray for his quick recovery. He collapsed at the garage and was taken to the hospital where they had to do an MRI to check if he was really going to be okay.

I opened my Plurk account and saw that someone had sent a message to me over the private thread where I broke up with Ian.

8:32 Ian: I can't breathe. I really can't.

11:11 Ian was rushed to the hospital. This is his cousin.

I didn't know what to say to his father. I decided that the truth would be better than pretending that I gave a hoot. I felt like a sociopath for thinking that way but I felt like Ian's father was pinning his probably asthma attack on me. It wasn't my fault he hyperventilated. A moment after, I realized that I was actually the reason.

Guilt hit me like a sledgehammer and then some. “So this is how it feels to be a hardcore bitch.” I had to hold on to my heart and tried to check if it was broken.

It wasn't. It didn't even hurt. I didn't even feel any sense of liberty like the time when I let go of Andy. What the hell is wrong with me? I was afraid all of a sudden, not of him and his family probably suing him for the emotional distress that led to physical injuries. I was afraid that had dived into the blackest part of my personality again. I didn't want to crush my heart and burn it up again like the time I found out my first boyfriend, Josh was actually in love with someone else.

Who, you ask? It was some gay Chicago theater actor he met on the bus. Gays met their soulmates in the oddest places these days. I was sure that my first boyfriend would be my last. But it didn't work out that way. Oh yeah, I knew Josh was bisexual. I learned every thing about love and making it with a gay man. Months after that I went on a downward spiral and slept my way through the haze. I don't even remember those guys. I just counted them, gave them numbers and tried to remember as little as I could about them. It got so back that one time, a target of mine was sitting next to a guy who I apparently bumped uglies with and I didn't even recognize the guy. One thing was for sure. That sobered me up pretty fast. Did I mention I was already with Andy then when I saw him again. Anyway, I am a slutty college girl, what's new?

I checked myself and shelved the ugly memories of my past. I was over that betrayal from Josh. We were Facebook friends and he was on and off with some guy after me who he said was the one for him. I gave him advice to leave that suicidal guy and look for someone who was not a complete emotional basket case. He listened and had been scouting for possible candidates since. Josh gave him something in return for breaking my heart, he gave me a gay bestfriend who had a unique perspective as to who I was and what makes me horny.