sabian (VIII)

note to you (from sabian)

words are nonexistent.
to you,
you see them as a way for me to avoid problems
i guess you never even knew me
you never knew enough to know that i turn to writing as a first line of defense
through every fight my mother and father have had
through every heartbreak that's stabbed me through my chest
words are there
words i use to describe how i feel
i don't rage because i write to express my anger
but oh, you better wish that i never drop writing
because the only thing that's kept me going is the fact that i can continue to write at my own will.
i hurt when i saw how over me you've become
i wrote
i was deceived when i realized it was all just for you to remain happy
i wrote
i die whenever i see that smile on your face because truth seeps out from my eyes
you are better off without me
i was never your best.
i was just another infatuation
you never cared for me
it's what i feel
i feel that you used me to make yourself happy
well did you ever ask how i felt?
did you ever ask how many tears i cried?
did you even stop to ask that maybe you should take a chance?
the answer is no
you didn't
i am growing happy alone
but I still want you in my life
and i hate myself for it.
but sabian must learn that drug addicts never become clean without furthering themselves from the drug their using.

i left you a note
I should've tore it up
did you even want to read it?

i can't keep writing the same thing over and over

you used me, like i had been used before.
I became the infatuation that you called special
oh, how that word runs through my head.
infatuation, infatuation, infatuation
the night I destroyed myself,
i yelled that to myself
over and over until I realized that's all I'll ever be to someone
so you go and be happy
it's all I ever wanted for you,
but just remember
you fucking broke me.