Nightmare

Throwing everything away

Sadness floods through the body. What if he's
contemplating  about our relationship. Gosh, no i can never loose him. We said we would need loose each other no matter what.

It's the next morning and it's a Saturday. Usual day for us to hang out. He usually comes over. So today we decided to do so.  Ugh the feeling of "him" being close to my family is incredible. This is how I know I want him to be mine forever. He gets along with my parents and my 3 brothers.

Today we decide to goof off and make some food. We tried to replicate a cake recipe that looked impossible to accomplish on our own. So, we decided to bring in some help. My younger brother. We start to get straight to business.
Me: Eggs, Flour, Milk.... Ugh. Are we doing this correct? *as we see the not so great looking outcome of the thousand ingredients we threw into the bowl*
"Him" : Gosh Natalie, you'd be such a great wife. You cook some meannn looking cake. *he says as he laughs, and points teasingly to the bowl of guck*

John (younger brother)  : Yeah, she's totally a keeper. *he snickers and leaves the kitchen.*

Now it's just me and "him." I love being alone with him. We can just be sitting, staring into blank space, and hearing each other's breath. Even that is an activity I would enjoy doing together.

We decided to quit trying to make the impossible cake, clean up the mess we made and go to the living room. We then so on the couch and get comfortable.

He looks a bit sad, not sad... But um off?  I don't know.. Thoughts start rushing through the head at lighting speed. Instead of just torturing my self I decide to just talk to him about it. We're very open with each other. Being weird, goofy, serious, whatever it is. We are that with each other.

I ask him what's wrong. He stares into blank spaces almost as if he didn't hear what I said. I know he heard me. I decide to move closer to him. I look into his eyes , the ones looking at the other side of the room intensity. I look down and see him hand on his lap. I take my hand and intertwine it with his. That gets his attention and he no longer is looking into the blank space of the other side of the room, he is now looking straight into my eyes.

Gosh... He's gorgeous. His eyes are brown, but yet green at the same time. It's just ugh. He makes my heart ache. I could just look into those eyes for the rest of my life.

He opens his mouth, as if he was about to speak. Yet no words come out his mouth. He closes it and tries once more.

"Does anything feel weird to you?" He asks me.

I give him a curious look. What would be weird I wonder?

I answer back "what specifically are we talking about here?"

"Us" he answered. Quick, and to the point. I felt those sharp words poke me in the center of my heart. I didn't allow him to see i was being emotional from that response. I just decide we need to have a calm conversation.

"I don't know. I don't think so. I thought we're doing fine." I answer slowly and un-surely

He stares into my eyes. Looks like he's about to cry. But who knows what he's been thinking now. He takes a deep breath and responds with " common Nat... We're 15. We already talked about us being forever. We know so much about each other already yes, and have met family. But what about the rest of the world? Are we not suppose to explore other people out there?" As he said this i internally answered, "no! I only want to explore you"  he continues with "maybe we should stop now. Before we get even more into each other. Of course I would love being your friend. But maybe we shouldn't be anything more, anymore..."

I was so shocked, I did not see this coming. I try so hard not to cry. But I can't help my self. But I only allow my self to let on single tear drop roll down my left cheek. I wipe it quickly. And give a quick nod in answer.

He doesn't leave for about another 4 hours or so. Once he leaves i rush upstairs and start to throw things, while crying, and pacing back and forth. God I want to yell so loud but I want to avoid having a whole conversation with what's wrong with my parents.

Gosh.. My parents. I wanted them to love him. To see he's the person I want in my future. Now it's all gone. He threw it away.

                 He threw everything away.