Odds at Ends.

I am awake.

6.

I am awake.

I am awake tonight, and the world is long gone. I walk through the rooms of my home, up and down the white painted stairs. My family is in Melbourne till Friday.

I am alive in every moment, and every breath.

And here is what takes all the warmth I have and leaves me shivering. Every moment, when you are really acutely aware of them, can feel like a hundred years. When you’re having sex with someone who loves you, or staring at a horizon you’ve never seen before, this is a gift.

But when the moments are empty, echoing spaces, where there is no one left to paint in that hint of gold that tells you “this time is your treasure”, it is the cruelest thing imaginable.

And because I feel that no path is ever going to be the right one - and that nothing is ever meant to be - a feeling has developed that nothing I do could possibly matter. My story, as I read back on it, seems sometimes not even to be about me.

I wish there were a way to make the moments pass just a little faster.