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Chapter 34

Chapter 34


Renee's POV


Louis' eyes. Have I ever told you how I felt when I looked into them? Well, for one thing, I'm color-blind, so I never truly got to see the color of his eyes. I just know from Elise that they're blue. Not as blue as Niall's, but still blue.

But that's not at all what I cared about. No, it was the emotion I saw in them. No matter how much Louis could try, his true emotions could always be seen in his eyes.

Stormy meant two things. Angry, or something else rated R that I would rather not say out loud.

Misty and/or glassy meant that he might cry. Sparking meant that he was feeling mischievous. Cloudy meant fear. And glowing meant he was either really happy or really proud. Or both.

But the one emotion I could never decipher was a series of all those looks. Cloudy, misty, sparking, shiny, glowing. Some more that words have not yet been invented to describe.

I loved seeing that look. And I only ever saw that look when he was looking right at me. Well, not just looking AT me, but like he was looking straight into me.

I saw that at Starbucks. But not only was that emotion there, but anger and sadness and pain was also there. I caused that. And that hurt.

I cradled myself in Mr. BooBear Junior's lap. I did everything with that stupid bear. I ate with it, I talked to it, I watched television with it. It never responded. It only made me feel all the lonelier.

I missed Louis. I felt like a part of me had broken off and shattered to pieces. I felt alone, and depressed, and empty without him here. He could always replace those feelings easily by just standing in my flat. But not anymore.

I had cried into the stupid bear's shoulder for a while. I had told it what had happened at the coffee shop. I had told it what I saw in Louis' eyes, and what I thought that unknown emotion was.

But it still wasn't the same.

I wanted nothing to do with Zayn. Sure, he was hot and talented and... well, actually, that's about it.

And I don't think Zayn really wanted me, anyway. He just wanted to DO me, if that made any sense.

I wanted someone else. But I couldn't have him. He didn't want me anymore, anyway. Not after the way I treated him.

Why me?

Why him?

Why us?

I sniffed and wiped my nose on my sleeve for the billionth time.

My heart was telling me to go to Louis and apologize. And I would gladly do that, if I wasn't so logical.

I would do it. I would go and apologize to Louis and everything would be alright. We might even begin a relationship with each other.

But then someday I'd wake up, and he'd be gone. He'd be off with his boys on tour. He would meet a billion teenage girls and female celebrities. He would forget me. He would find someone else. And that would be the end of me.

I told myself that I'd rather feel the pain now then later, when it'd be a thousand times worse. I semi-convinced myself. My feelings disagreed. They still wanted Louis here, with me.

I pressed my hands against my ears. Tiny little voices were telling me what was wrong and what was right. Out of all this, WHAT was right? WHAT was wrong?

"Somebody help me," I whispered. "Save me from myself."

I buried my face into the bear's soaked, white fur. I waited for more tears.

Someone knocked on my door. I shot my head up angrily.

"Zayn, if it's you, I'm going to personally wring your neck and use your own crowbar against you!" I yelled.

Wow, that sounded violent. What had happened to me?

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" a familiar voice exclaimed.

My heart stopped. Could it be....?

I wiped my face all over again. I sniffed hard to clear my nostrils, and I took a deep breath. I ran towards the door and answered.

Louis looked miserable. So, in other words, not much better than me.

"H-h-hello, Louis," I stammered out. My voice was shaky.

"Hello," he replied. "We need to talk."

He made no move to come inside. I didn't invite him in.

"What about?" I asked nervously.

"Everything," he said bluntly. "I'll start. What did you hate about the kiss, Renee?"

I hesitated. I didn't hate it. I loved it. But clearly he didn't know that. I could lie and say I hated it, but eventually get caught later on. Or I could tell the truth and cause us both more pain. The answer was obvious.

"I... I didn't like it," I murmured.

"That's not what I asked," Louis said stiffly. "Why did you hate it? What was bad about it?"

"It's... hard to explain," I pleaded with him.

His eyes were stormy. I tried not to flinch.

"But I'll try," I added quickly. "Louis, I only wanted to be your friend. I never wanted to become something more."

"Now why do I find that hard to believe?" he asked sarcastically.

"Because you have a big head?" I offered.

"Because you kissed me back, you...." His voice faded away before he could insult me. My heart raced.

"That's... true," I agreed, while mentally cursing myself. Apparently I was going to get caught in my lie sooner rather than later.

"Now tell the truth, Renee," Louis ordered angrily. "That's all I want. The truth."

"Okay!" I cried. "You want the truth? Fine, I'll give it to you! Yeah, I kissed you back! That's because I liked it, you imbecile!"

I wanted to continue, but I managed to shut my mouth in time.

Louis stared at me. "You... liked it?" he asked incredulously. "Then why did you scream at me for it?"

"Because eventually you would break my heart!" I shouted, my voice gaining volume. I could never do anything quietly, could I? "You would leave me for tours and teenage girls and you would kiss someone and I would find out and I would never be able to recover!"

I jabbed a finger at my eye. "I can see the future," I hissed.

Louis glared at me. "Now you listen up, you stupid hag," he snapped, and I winced. "I would never do that. I would stay true to you. If I loved you, I wouldn't forget you. I kissed you because I liked you. Why can't you admit the same?"

I stared at him in surprise. I didn't know how to respond. I bit my lip uncertainly.

"And stop doing that!" Louis suddenly shouted.

I jumped. "Doing what?" I demanded, letting go of my lip.

"That biting-your-lip thing. Don't you know how much that makes me want to kiss you?"

He sounded exasperated, and I was tempted to just bite my lip the whole time so I could get my satisfaction. But I would never do that. I wouldn't take advantage of him like that.

"Look, Louis, I don't know what to say...." I said hesitantly.

"Just say you understand," he pleaded. "Everyone in the world knows I stupidly fancy you. What about you?"

"I fancy you, too," I wanted to say. "But I don't trust you."

But I didn't say that. Instead, I said slowly, "Sure, I liked the kiss. Sure, I feel bad causing you to do this to yourself. But I just want to remain friends. I don't trust you."

Louis just looked at me for a bit, and I found I couldn't look away. I wanted to, but I couldn't.

His eyes displayed so much emotion. Heartbreak, pain, sadness, anger... that unknown emotion that became known. Love.

"You're so selfish," he finally hissed and stormed off.

I blinked in surprise. How the hell was I being selfish?! He was the one who didn't want me seeing anybody!

"Well, then, good riddance!" I yelled after him. "I could never love you!"

I slammed the door shut.

My heart thudded in my chest. That didn't go well at all. Neither of us apologized. We insulted each other. We loved each other. We rejected each other.

I sank to the floor, burying my face in my hands as I began to sob.

Could someone please tell me how we fell for each other, again?