Until I Find You Again // Book One

Chapter 11

Holmes Chapel was peaceful. That seemed like an easy word to use but also the most appropriate. From the trees to the grass to the buildings to the people, everything about it was simple. Even breathing felt better. It seemed like this is where Harry came to remind himself who he was and what he was about. I didn't blame him. Even I felt centered here.

When we'd gotten out of his truck, he linked his pinky with mine as we walked along the countryside.

I should've been exhausted. We'd been walking all day. From one of his childhood spots to another. I loved seeing all of it. It was like learning about the core of Harry Styles.

I looked down at my boots as they walked along the green grass. The sun was setting, casting red and orange glows all through the sky.

I could see myself living here and making a life for Lucy. Sending her to the same schools her father went to. Letting her soak up the same atmosphere he soaked up before he launched into the stratosphere. It was a nice thought, even if it was a little premature.

I felt him shake my hand a little and I looked up. He sighed,

"Thinkin kinda loud over there...." He remarked.

It had been a nice day. A fantastically nice day. And that meant I was about to screw it all up. I couldn't help it. I needed to know what all of this meant. I didn't understand. Were we starting something? Or would we just go right back to being co-parents and that was it when we got back to London?

"What is all this?" I asked softly.

He looked up and glanced around the grounds where we were walking,

"It's the bridge. Not used anymore obviously but-"

I stopped and turned to him, taking my pinky away from his,

"That's not what I meant." He turned to me, obviously shocked by my sudden move away from him. I gestured between us, "I mean...what is all this?" When he cocked his head to the side I knew he wasn't understanding what I meant, "Harry...what are we doing? What are we becoming? I need to know." He opened his mouth and I rushed on, "Because I'm.....feeling all this....and I don't know if I should be or if you're feeling it too." I purposely diverted my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at his face. I could feel the word vomit bubbling up in my throat. The last 4 years of secrets and lies was about to come flying out of my mouth in jumbled, hard to understand sentences and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.

I focused on his silver cross, "I kidded myself into believing that keeping the fact that you were Lucy's father a secret was the right thing to do. I would've destroyed your career and Niall's too. I never gave you a chance to protect her." I didn't pause to even breathe, I just wanted to say it all, "I was selfish and wrong. I'm stubborn and I always assume I know what everyone thinks and feels. I can't deny that. It's what I do. Because if I assume how you feel, then I can make my decisions based on those assumptions and delude myself into believing I'm right." I could feel an attack of tears but I wasn't going to cry again. I'd spent far too much time crying the past couple of days and I just wanted all of it to stop, "And if I'm right then I don't hurt anyone. If I'm right then you don't have any feelings for me and I can just accept it and move on." Despite my best efforts, my breath hitched, causing me to pause for a moment as I swallowed, "If you hate me, then I can push all my feelings for you down into the pits of my stomach....I can bury them and ignore them and then I don't have to deal with the fact that I did this." My breath hitched again and a tear slipped down my cheek, "I am the reason you don't wanna try." I finished in a whisper.

He stayed silent for a moment, standing inches away from me. I could feel the heat coming off of his body. He was always so warm. He took a breath,