A Cutter's Lullaby (Chris Motionless Story)

Chapter 4

Three weeks clean, three weeks down the fucking drain of my school's staff bathroom sink, the only one with real privacy. No one saw me make my way inside, since it was after school. Even though I managed to escape the clutches of my bus I didn't get away from those still in school for detention, I couldn't get away from Tray. It was funny to think that he meant so much once, he was like a brother to me, my only love in life after my mom left me here to stand alone, but he found me and made me forget if only for a second. Then suddenly I didn't matter and he hit me, causing my lip to rip.

Of course I never had anything to do with him after that, but he introduced me to the pain. The way anger and betrayal can make it good, like I deserved the pain, the scars. I don't hurt myself to bring happiness, or relief most of the time, I cut to punish. I did it because I felt I deserved it and no one had stopped me, so I had been right in my mind. Then there was Chris, he just had to step in and make this more difficult, make me feel guilty for the punishment; like I somehow really didn't need it.

I snapped back to the present as the blade I stole from the art room dug into my forearm. It made me sweaty and shaky, to do this somewhere so public and unsanitary. Why did I let Tray see me? I knew what he would do as soon as his midnight blue eyes looked onto my short, weak form. He knew I had no one to save me. I sunk back into the memory once more.

I sat in Mrs. Master's office at her desk organizing student files, promising not to look in them. Of course I peeked at a few, some old friends I had clearly weren't as perfect as I thought.

"Nicky baby, were you watching me?" That voice made me shiver then stiffen as I turned my gaze to the blond towering over the desk in front of me. 

"I-I was just walking by." I stuttered getting up from the computer chair, I knew better than to give him any kind of advantage over me.

"Do you miss me?" He asked sweetly and if I didn't know him as well as I did, I could have believed him. I'm not that stupid though.

"Never will I ever." I growled feeling brave since I could hear Mrs. Master's shoes clicking down the hall, she would be in here in the matter of seconds and there was nothing Tray could do to me in such a short amount of time.

He raised his eyebrows turning his head to look out the door and a wicked smirk crossed his face, "I hope you know that was someone with a visitors pass, you're fucking dead."

I yelped as I ran around the desk, trying to get out the door before he could get me, but I failed when he tripped me easily and drug me up the wall by my neck. Instead of him giving me the beating of a lifetime like I expected he loosened his grip and spoke, "I can't wait for you to kill yourself."

My jaw dropped and my eyes grew wide as they could possibly go. Why would he say something like that?

"You think no one watches you Nicole? I've seen that you were getting worse and worse, then suddenly you brightened a bit. Like someone gave you reason, who?" He snarled tightening his grip for a minute.

"No one you know." I choked out and it was the truth, he'd never have a clue who Chris is.

"He'll leave you, just like I did because I figured out how fucking useless you are. You might think he can save you, but he's never going to do just that. The minute you get close to recovery he will find a girl worth the time, and you'll be left to die. Why are you wasting his time?"

Suddenly Mrs. Master's hum could be heard down the hall and Tray dropped me to the floor, just like I was, as he said, useless. He quickly slipped out of the room greeting the consoler with a nice hello. I felt like I was still choking until I realized I was crying, I quickly excused myself, telling Mrs. Master I felt ill and I would be back in a second without looking at her.

"Is everything alright Nicole?" She asked sounding very worried.

"Yea, I just had some bad lunch." I lied and dashed down the hallway.

She thankfully went into her office after that and I hurriedly turned into the art room. I quietly opened the door, it was a good thing that the janitors hadn't had a chance to lock the room up. I quickly snatched up two of the crafting knives and headed for the teachers restroom that was the closest. I quickly locked myself in the tiny restroom, ripping off my hoodie before stuffing it in my mouth so I could scream and cry a bit.

If one could have made out my words they would have heard, "Shit, shit! Fuck! He's right! Why am I so goddamn weak?! Is this funny to them?! That they want to die so badly? I have done nothing to them! Its because they can see right through me! Why can't this just stop! Please just make it stop!"

My shouts died out to whimpers as I finally centered back to the present, back the running water, my blood smeared arms and hands. Chris was right, I wouldn't make out it out alive on my own, but was Tray right? Would Chris give up on me? Even though it was nothing like what Tray thought, I nor Chris had no feelings for each other. I couldn't be so easily dropped as Tray thought, or so I hoped.

After putting my hoodie back on and applying some makeup to hide the redness of my face and neck I told Mrs. Master that I was going home for the day. I took the long walk back home and when I get there I went straight to bed, spent from all the aching in my chest and my arms. It took some time for sleep to claim me, but when it did I was grateful.

On the verge of consciousness hours later, or so it seemed I felt warm air at my ear and I could have sworn I heard humming, maybe even soft singing. I allowed my eyes to flutter open and I saw the blurry outline of a body standing over my bed, right over top of me. I let out a scream and shot up from my laying position, literally running into the person; my head smacking their flat stomach.

"Oh my god I didn't mean to scare you like that Nicole." The person apologized and  I recognized the voice right as he turned on the light. Chris was back. "Are you alright?"

I took in deep shaky breathes, willing my body to calm down, I was safe. I nodded, "Yea I'll be fine, just give me a minute."

He waited till I was calm and asked, "Have you been clean?"

I wrapped my stinging arms around my torso, no, hell no I wasn't clean, but I answered, "I was clean for three weeks, until today."

Chris frowned, but kept at that and asked me to explain what I meant. I told him what happened today, making sure to cut out the part of him leaving, I didn't want to give him any ideas. Chris didn't scold me like I had expected, instead he sat on my bed and wrapped his arms around me, resting his head into my shoulder as he whispered soft I'm sorry's. Then for once in a long time, I let myself cry, I mean really cry. I didn't have to try to be quiet or calm. I full on let it go, sobs racking my body as I shook.

All I could do the whole time was mumble over and over, "Chris please don't let me go."     

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Okay so this part was super hard for me to right, so many intense emotions going through it just makes me breathless. But I hoped you enjoyed it or at least found it interesting.

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