The Princess Games

Remembering

Clarissa

***

Clarissa made the journey home, shortened two days by using a royal horse. It was the one she'd tamed when she almost won...but she wouldn't think about the Games.

She'd lost. Unfairly, but life was unfair.

And the kingdom would be better off if she just accepted that and moved on.

She tied her new horse, Jack, in the barn and gave him an apple. Then she squared her shoulders and made the walk back to her house.

She remembered making the walk from the house to the stables and mounting it. That walk had been full of excitement, of hope and love.

This one felt like a walk of shame, of defeat. Of disappointment.

She wouldn't cry in front of her family. She wouldn't let them know how upset she was or how she was sure she would never eat again the way her stomach felt now, the way her chest ached and her heart was surely in a thousand pieces.

No, she wouldn't let on that she was anything but happy and resigned to the fact that she'd lost. 

She swung open the door and her family stood around the table. It was set with four places, each bowl filled to the brim with her favorite stew, a cake in the center.

Her mother ran to her first, arms open, and she couldn't help it. She melted into the soft embrace and cried. 

She cried so hard her shoulders shook and she made loud noises, so much that her mom's collar was soaking wet. She held on for dear life, letting it all out. Her mother rubbed soothing circles into her back and held her tightly. 

"That's it. Let it out, sweetheart. It's perfectly okay to cry. I know. I know."

Her sobs finally slowed, the tears flowing slower and slower until her shoulders were still and her eyes were dry. 

She pulled away, horrified.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't going to-"

Henry enveloped her in a hug so loving and protective that her tears started again. Thankfully, the sobs stayed away.

"I love you, Clarissa, and you should have won. That witch cheated and we all saw it. Why-"

"Because King Isaac was going to start a war with Linatha and I didn't want that for the kingdom. I stepped down so everyone I love could be safe."

"But you love him," Henry said, confused.

Her cheeks flamed. "Henry...how...?"

"We all saw you at the ball. But anyway, if you loved him, why did you let him go?"

"Because I have a duty to the people and to my family, and I could not live with myself if I selfishly married for love and started a war with Hira."

Her brother hugged her tighter, his arms strong around her.

When had he gotten strong? 

"You are the best person I know."

She sniffled and pulled away from him, patting his cheek. "I love you."

Her father was next. His bear hugs were famous in their family, and this was the biggest Clarissa had ever gotten.

"I'm so proud of you, honey. So unbelievably proud. You did a great thing. So it can't be all bad in the end. But it's okay to be sad now. You gave up something you should never pass up. I love you."

She buried her face in his chest. "I love you, too."

He pulled away and her mother put an arm around her shoulders, guiding her to the seat at the head of the table. 

"I made your favorite, and everyone in the neighborhood pitched in so you could have a cake. We're all so proud of you."

Even though Clarissa was exhausted and sick, she ate every last bite.

***

Xavier

***

The wedding plans began that week. 

Alaina hung onto Xavier's arm, clinging to him for dear life all day. She babbled incessantly and ignored his rude comments and unenthusiastic attitude.

She was horrible.

He refused to speak to his parents.

His mother went quietly about the castle, giving orders and making decisions regarding the wedding for him. She had bags under her eyes.

His father stayed in his office.

Servants quietly and sadly cleaned and put out fresh flowers and made the preparations.

Every night Xavier laid awake, relieved to be away from Alaina and heartbroken over Clarissa.

He remembered every last conversation and touch and glimpse of her in her time here. He replayed the ball over and over again. He remembered the dinner with her and Katherine until his chest ached so badly he had to try and think of something else.

He felt very off around Alaina. His nightmare still plagued him, and every time she smiled at him he remembered her smug face when she crossed the finish line after injuring Clarissa.

He tried desperately to remember what he knew in his heart was there, but he just couldn't. He had a constant headache from trying so hard, and he nearly passed out once.

When he couldn't take it anymore, he snuck out of the castle before the sun rose and rode to the village doctor. He was known for his unorthodox methods and strange successes with patients dealing with memory loss.

He told the him everything, starting with his accident and ending with the nagging feeling in the back of his mind and the throbbing headaches.

The doctor put a hand to his chin and paced the little room, muttering to himself and appearing to be in deep thought.

"I'm going to try something, Your Highness, an activity of sorts."

"Anything."

"Close your eyes and lay back."

Xavier rested his head on the pillow and closed his eyes. The doctor put his cool hands on Xavier's head.

"Relax, Your Highness. Think of the thing that makes you happiest."

Xavier breathed deeply and pictured Clarissa's face.

"Very good. Now, keep that in mind and keep taking deep, even breaths."

Xavier did, until he was almost asleep. He was more at peace than he had been since the Games. His headache was gone, but the tugging at his mind was still there. The doctor spoke, and his voice sounded far away.

"Focus on the tugging feeling. Now tell me about the day you had your accident. What were you wearing? Where did you go? What were you doing? How did you feel?"

Xavier started talking. The words flowed. He didn't know he remembered half of this. He was in a half asleep, half awake state. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. 

The words kept coming until he passed out.

***

Xavier woke up when the sun was shining. The doctor was bent over a desk, scribbling furiously on a roll of parchment. 

He sat up and rubbed his head. The tugging sensation was gone, the uneasiness nowhere to be found.

"What happened?" he asked.

The doctor stood up, grinning from ear to ear.

"You remembered what your mind had blocked, Your Highness."

Xavier jumped out of bed, crossing the room eagerly. He grabbed the doctor's hands excitedly.

"Oh, thank God! Please, what was it?"

The doctor gently pushed him away and had him sit on the edge of the cot.

"Your Highness, it's not for me to tell you. I helped the mental block come down. Now it's up to you to remember it consciously."