Not Broken, Just Bent: The Band Perry Sister Story

Chapter 9: Breathe

I lugged myself up the hill to our house. My back ached of so much pain from sleeping on basically sand last night. My eyes we're droopy and all I wanted to do right now was just wrap up in blankets and go to sleep. My head pounded as I turned the door knob. To my surprise, the door was unlocked. They'd probably expect me to come back. I'm pretty predictable.

I quietly closed the door behind me and my way into the house. I was praying I would just be able to go into my room without waking up anyone, and just apologize in the morning. I was too exhausted to even think straight anyway.

I swiftly entered the kitchen and looked at the clock.

5:48 am

It was still pretty early anyway. I needed to sleep.

I started to head to Kimberly and I's room, suddenly feeling extreamly fatigued. As I quietly passed through the living room, something felt... off.

I immeidatly stopped dead in my tracks and turned around to find Kimberly, Reid, and Neil sprawled out on the couches. Their mouths were all hanging wide open and they still had their clothes on from yesterday. And even though they were asleep you could tell by the expressions on their faces that they were stressed and exhausted.

I couldn't help but feel a little bit touched by all of this. My siblings could have been so angry with me for walking out on them and not listening. They could have called mom and dad and said they wanted to leave or ratted me out. But they didn't. Instead, they camped out in the living room waiting for me when I came home. It was as if they were saying, "When you're ready to come home and talk about it, we'll be ready too." 

I don't know why, but it made me feel really special because it was as if.... They cared. For once in my life I felt like they cared about me. I need to make things right with them.

I couldn't help but smile as I turned around and exited the dim room, finally headed for my room.

My smile was quickly wipped away when I ran straight into the wall when I turned around! My head collided with the wall, causing a big crash. And probably a bruise tomorrow. I can't belive I was so distracted and tired that I ran into it! 

I cringed as I slowly turned around, mentally praying I didn't wake Kimberly, Neil, or Reid up. Once I was sure they were still asleep I dashed into my room. Finally ready for some sleep.

I quickly stripped down my clothes, and got into my pajamas. It was about 6 am now, and the sunlight was now starting to poke through my windows.

I climbed into my bed, making myself cozy. I closed my eyes, amazed at how tired I now was. I really needed some sleep.

"Caitlin?"

My eyes shot open, alarmed by the sudden sound.

I heard footsteps approach my room, getting closer and closer until suddenly I could feel the presence of a body standing next to my bed.

I rolled over and opened my eyes slightly to find Neil standing before me. I must have woke him up,

"Neil-" I started.

"No, shhh baby girl," He said, immediatly cutting me off. I watched as he kneeled down next to my bed and took my hand in his, in a comforting way.

We just watched each other for a long time, neither of us saying anything. I could see in his eyes that he was tired. Tired of the way things were going, tired of fighting, tired of not knowing whats ahead, and just... tired. 

I'm sure he was thinking the same about me. How awful and broken and scared I look. How that over 9 months I can change so much into a person they didn't know. How they could let things get this bad. But I was now coming to realize all along this wasn't their fault.... It was mine.

"I'm sorry." I finally choked out.

"Don't be honey." He assured me, not taking his focus off of me, "It was our fault too. Do you feel like talking about it right now?"

I thought about it for a moment, I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, but I know I needed to face it. I needed to stand up to what I had been fighting for awhile now. I need to speak now.

I nodded and then sat up and moved over in the bed so Neil could join me. We leaned up against the wall and stretched our legs out on the bed. Just like old times. It was like we were kids again.

"Tell me. Tell me everything." Neil commanded.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes...and then I just let it all go, "When y'all left for tour. I was so sad and depressed, and I kind of felt like you just forgot about me and left me behind. Y'all just went out and did all these wonderful things without me and I know it's stupid.. but I just missed y'all so much and I just felt like you didn't really miss me because you were all so busy and stuff. It was literally like I couldn't breathe without you. At times it felt like I was drowning in my own confusion and anger.. and I just kind of blamed it all on y'all. I guess I wanted someone to blame everything on. But I was so wrong for doing that. And I shouldn't have. I can understand if y'all hate me now after what I did."

"Caitlin, you don't even know. We missed you like crazy. You were all we ever talked about! We did our best to call or talk every day but we just got so busy. I know it wasn't fair to you at all. You didn't deserve that from us. We love you more than anything in the world."

"Really?" 

"Of course! We were all so looking forward to this vacation, so when we got here I guess we were a little surprised or... confused as to why you changed so much. We had no idea that you had all this anger towards us. We actually felt awful about it becuase we had no idea what to do to make it better!"

In that moment I felt awful. My stomach was flipping inside of me. I mean how could I be so stupid?  How could I be so blind to see that they've cared about me this whole time. I'm the one who has been ruining our relationship. I thought I was doing myself a favor by pushing them away, but really I was just making things worse. I was the one who messed everything up.

I leaned over and attacked Neil in a hug. He wrapped his arms around me and we sat there like that for a long time. He held me so tight and I felt like he really did love me, and he meant what he said. Kimeberly, Reid, and Neil have always loved me. I was the one who couldn't see it.

I closed my eyes and let myself savor this moment. Having Neil here made me feel safe. It was as if something that was holding me back and containing me for so long was now gone. I was free. I could finally breathe again.