Salty Rants

Uhm, Can You Not? (Popping That Popcorn)

"Two tickets for Booties and Cooties," I say to the box office cashier as I pull out my wallet. It's been a while since I've been to the cinema, but ever since you told me about this new movie (and after I wisely read through a couple of reviews on Rotten Tomatoes) I said to myself, Why not? It's supposedly a hilarious romcom, and it's been a while since I've had some rejuvenating laughter. 

"Where would you like to sit?" The girl—who at some point in her life decided that dying her hair acid-green was a great idea—gestures to a tiny screen behind the cash register, which lights up at the press of a button. In various colors, it shows me which seats in the auditorium are occupied and which aren't. Most of them are, except for a couple right in the middle. The perfect spot. I point to them, and after confirming, I pay for the tickets and start making my way to the concession stand. There's a huge line, but I walk right to where you're standing, a person a way from ordering. 

Yes, I'm a hypocritical bitch.

"I got 'em." I wave the tickets around and we high-five. 

"Whatcha getting?" you ask, your eyes scanning the overhanging menu. The smell of freshly popped popcorn invades my nostrils and I almost have a foodgasm. 

"I'm getting popcorn...and...iced tea," I mutter, enunciating each word as if I was just learning how to speak the language. I don't give a shit about your own choices because my full attention is on the concession stand worker—with a striped box, he reaches into the pit of scrumptious butter-popcorn and with one swift motion, scoops up a healthy portion and lifts it into the air. The whole thing gets me heated, and my mouth can't help but drool like a fountain. It's like watching foodporn.

The bald customer with the sweaty collar slaps a ten euro bill on the counter, collects his goods, and leaves. I'm practically hyperventilating right now from the excitement, and because my insides have turned to mush, I need to be dragged to the front.

"Hello, what would you like to order," the young man asks with a yellowed smile. There's a nasty-looking wart right above his lip—the growth stares at me and I stare back. Maybe it's herpes. 

"One large popcorn, a peach ice tea, a coke, and a packet of M&Ms." You order for the both of us, and I'm infinitely grateful for that. Maintaining eye-contact with a guy who has a visible STD is hard. Besides, I rather not destroy my appetite. The dirty bastard jabs the keys in the register with a nod, then turns around to complete our orders. As I watch him scoop up my popcorn, I force myself to not think about the fact that this guy probably doesn't even wash his hands after using the toilet. Good personal hygiene is a requirement for this job, right? I might look up the cinema's name online and find out for myself. I don't want to catch anything. 

You pay the astronomical price and we gather our preciouses—I don't even say good-bye to the dude as we make our way to the ticket taker. 

This movie better be good, because if I get sick after eating this popcorn, I'm going to sue this joint. 

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Going to the cinema can make for an an amazing afternoon/night, or the worst experience of your week. It all really depends on how unlucky you are, really, and how many of these 10 annoying things  you encounter at the movies. So lock up your black cat, don't break a mirror, and for God's sake don't you dare open an umbrella indoors, or you're in for one heck of a shitty movie night. 

1. Adverts

Advertisements are everywhere. On billboards, on public toilet stalls, on TV, in magazines, online. You can run, but you can't hide from them unless you throw yourself into an active volcano. Even so, the last thing you'll see before the lava disintegrates your flailing body is the logo of your gym leggings: Nike. Capitalism has won. You, my friend, have not. Living in a consumerist society means buying more useless garbage =  economic growth, so of course they're going to force it down your throat at every occasion. Even before a movie at the cinema.