Memories

Nine

Words are formless but the deadliest weapon; one that I had wounded you with.

Things break all the time.

They get thrown away, replaced and forgotten.

No second chances, no way to return to their original state, not even the state they were in before they broke.

But things didn't break for no reason. They didn't shatter without first having cracks. Those small, but painful cracks that slowly tore apart everything.

If we managed to notice the little cracks sooner, then maybe we could have made it.

We would have been able to fix it before it shattered.

But we were always too occupied to notice.

We were supposed to realize their existence, but no, we didn't.

And yet, we still held on tight to the broken things, when we had lost the right to.

Broken things stay broken. Even if you patch it up or glue it back together, there are cracks all over. It was better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together. They broke. And that was it.

But as we understood that, we were still hanging on to that small voice inside of us that told us things might turn out alright again.

We were so desperate, so lost, that we didn't notice the very same cracks that were starting to appear on ourselves.

Slowly, we fell apart as pieces of ourselves shatter and fall off like they didn't belong there anymore.

But I didn't mind that I was falling apart.

Dear, I didn't mind.

Because as I broke, as I shattered, as I faded away, I knew only one thing.

Maybe then, I will finally understand you more.

Because both of us will be equally broken.

~

Break.

Broken.

You.

For the past three days, all I could think of were that three words. Like a vicious cycle in my mind. It was like you refused to leave me, because I had left you once.

I barely had any sleep because no matter what I did, I simply couldn't fall asleep.

When my eyes were open, I could see you.

When I closed them, you were there too.

I couldn't stop pondering,

Why didn't I pay more attention to you?

Why wasn't I a better husband?

How did things turn out this way?

If only I did that then...

Questions popped up and clung to me, even when the answers to them were in the back of my mind. I just refused to drag them out of the dark and be reminded that everything was entirely my fault. Even if that was true.

I set my fork down, swallowing the tasteless spaghetti. My gaze shifted to the opposite of my seat, the other end of the table. The fact that it was empty somehow felt oddly out of place.

Things were starting to go back to normal in the family. At least, that was what could be seen. Erik's eyes had more life in them now, and even though he would look away when our eyes met occasionally, we still talked, while Alicia seemed to have brightened up a little.