Remember Me.

09

I feel as though I'm running in slow motion. The ambulance came and loaded Patrick up, taking him to a nearby hospital. My mind is still processing the events that have just taken place.
Patrick had tried to commit suicide.
He slit his wrists with a razor he had been hiding in his bedside drawer. He cut himself deep in his arms, multiple times, until he didn't have the strength to cut anymore.
He is unconscious because of the amount of blood loss. They won't let me see him. They keep telling me family only. Don't they see? I'm all he has. Im his family.
Finally, the nurse I was talking to left to go home and a new nurse stepped in for her. I walk up to him with a worried look on my face.
"Excuse me, I'm here for Patrick Dempsey." I tell him.
"Are you a family member?" he asks. I'm very surprised that very few people recognize us in this place.
"Yes. I'm his wife." He nods and types on his computer.
"Room 1008." I smile gratefully and walk down the hallways, looking for room 1008. I finally find it and walk inside without knocking.
He is hooked up to wires and machines, much like he was right after the accident. His arms are wrapped in bandages.
I walk over to him with tears in my eyes. His blank eyes dart over to me. He glares at me and then turns back to the wall.
"Am I not enough?" I ask. He looks at me again, his expression still blank.
"Before all of this I thought...I thought I was enough. I thought I could make you happy. But I was wrong. Wasn't I?"
He continues to stare at me.
"Answer me damn it!" I yell.
"You have no clue what I'm going through." he says angrily.
"You're right. I don't. Because you won't talk to me! You won't let me know how you are feeling! You know what? I know it sucks! But it sucks to be me too. It sucks to take care of the handsome man who makes you feel like shit. It sucks to see the man who was once so vibrant turn into a breathing corpse."
He looks at me with shock. The first expression I've seen in months.
"I didn't...I didn't know." he says.
I laugh bitterly and look at the ground. I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and look back up at him.
"Why did you...didn't you think of me when you..." I trail off, not brave enough to actually say the words.
"Of course I thought of you. You're a major factor in all of my decisions. You always have been."
"Then why would you do it?" I ask.
"I thought it might be nice...to have some time to not think." he said jokingly.
"Patrick please. Tell me the truth." He sighs.
"Because I didn't...I didn't want to hold you back. I'm tired of being a burden to you."
"Patrick you are anything but a burden." I sit on the edge of his bed and grab his hand. I stare at it, afraid to meet his gaze.
"You deserve so much more than this. Than me." I gasp and look up. He looks at me with tired eyes.
"Patrick you lived. You didn't die. You need to stop wishing that you had and start living! I told you that we will get through this."
He sighs and looks away.
"I...I wish I had been brave enough to divorce Jill before the accident. I wish I had taken you in my arms when I wanted and..."
"And what?" I ask. He pulls me closer to him and I lay my head on his chest. He kisses the top of my head and I smile.
"I've missed you Ellie." he whispers. I clutch him tighter.
"I've missed you too Patty. And don't ever try to kill yourself again. Okay?" I ask. I stare at the white wall across from us, waiting for his response.
"Okay?" I repeat. When he refuses to respond again, I look up at his guilty face.
"Pat." I whisper.
"Ellen, I can't promise that. I can promise that I won't try to do it so gruesomely. But you have to understand that living like this feels like my own personal hell." I get up and walk across the room, refusing to face him.
"Ellen." he says sadly. "I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself-"
"No!" I interrupt him. "How can you still feel the need to kill yourself after...Patrick do you know how heart broken I would be? You're all I have Pat. You're my family. You can't leave me Patrick. I love you. You can't kill yourself. You...I can't...but you..." I begin to hyperventilate as I pace the room, clutching my chest.
"Ellen. Calm down. Come here. Ellen." Patrick reaches out for me. I walk toward him and he pulls me into his chest, stroking my hair.
"Okay. I won't. I'll live. For you." he murmurs. I nod, still sobbing. After a few minutes I pull myself together.
"You just need a sense of normality. You've been in that house every day for months. We just need to get you back into your daily life." I tell him, my voice full of hope. He smiles slightly and nods once.