Piece by Piece

18

Mar. 15




Dear Corinne,




Tonight was the dance. Rina, Cassie and I got ready at Cassie's place. Cassie did my hair as Rina applied way too much mascara on her long eyelashes and babbled on about how Olivier asked her to go with him. Cassie and I made lots of flustered glances at each other in the mirror, but she kept on going, oblivious.

Then Cassie drove us all to the dance and we met the boys there. Collin put his arm around me and said: you're beautiful- and in that moment I was perfect. The sun was setting and turning everything golden, it was warm enough that I could hear the snow melting and smell the cold of the dirt being revealed, and Collin was all dressed up and looking me right in the eyes- I wanted to snatch that moment and carry it in my pocket so that I could live it forever. But, Collin lead my inside, and we gave the student council our tickets and went into the gym. It was already hot and sticky. The DJ was setting up. Collin and I grabbed a drink.

Collin: Rina and Olivier?

Me: Yeah, he asked her. Apparently he's the One.

Collin: I don't trust him. And Rina is naive.

Me: I'm worried about her.

DJ: Are you ready to get this party started?!

The crowd's roar cut off the rest of the conversation that we might have had. The lights tuned off and lasers shot across the gym as the music began to blare. I leaned against the wall, but Collin grabbed my hand and pulled me in to dance. Usually I'm not much of a dancer- I'm such an awkward potato- but Collin made it easy. Within five songs, we were both sweating and we went back over by the wall to grab another drink. We couldn't talk much because of the music pounding in our ears and ribcages, and my shirt was sticking to my skin and every inch of me was hot. I swiped my thumbs under my eyes, praying that my makeup wasn't melting.

Then a slow song came on. Collin took my drink from me, setting it on the concession table, and drew me back into the crowd. He put his arms around me and I put my arms on his shoulders, leaning my head on him. He pulled me closer to him and I took in the smell of him- cologne, sweat, deodorant and man- and suddenly, instinctively, I pushed him away.

Collin: ...

He looked at me as if I had betrayed him. I spun on my heel and dashed out of the gym, into the golden evening that had turned, by then, into night. I collapsed in the light of the front of the school, and a moth flew by my head. I dropped my head into my hands as the school doors opened again and Collin came crashing out.

Collin: Leigh! What's wrong?

Me: Nothing. Nothing.

Me: Fuck.

Collin: Why'd you push me away?

Me: I... I didn't mean to...

Collin: What the hell?

Me: I got confused...

Collin: Confused? Confused! You thought I was him, didn't you? What the hell, Leigh! He's in jail!

Me: It's more complicated than it-

Collin: Complicated! No! It's not! YOU'RE complicated! I can't dance with my own girlfriend?

Me: It's hard to explain...

Collin: Do you're best. Explain it to me. I have all night.

Me:

Me: I... I... can't...

Collin: Find your fucking words! Speak to me! Leigh! We never talk anymore! I'm feel like I'm not important to you anymore. Do you still want me?

Me:

Collin: Leigh? Dammit! How am I supposed to have a girl friend who starves herself? How am I supposed to have a girlfriend who mistakes me for her math teacher? You need to get help! How do you expect me to love-

Me: How do I expect you to love me.

Collin: I wasn't going to say it like that.

Me: I don't expect you to love me. But you fucking probably saved my life. If it weren't for you, who knows where I'd be. You chose to sit with me that first day at lunch. And it's not my fault- everything that happened is NOT MY FAULT.

Collin: I know that, God Leigh, stop crying.

Collin: Leigh, here's the thing about you. You make it complicated. You dwell on the bad stuff, and use it as an excuse. You need to get over the poor-me phase. It's not flattering, and no one wants to be around you. You push all your problems on me, but I can't support you and myself. You need to suck it up and grow up. You have a pretty damn good life, compared to a lot of other people. So stop acting so depressed!

Me: Collin?

Collin: What?

Me: Why don't you fuck off.

(I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry tear drops are making the ink run and my hand is shaking sorry)

He paused for a moment, then left. I walked home alone in the dark, trying to push back that feeling of fear that someone might jump out at me. And when I got home, I was just numb. I leaned against the front door for a good half-hour. Then Dad asked what's wrong, and Collin's words came crashing through my skull: You need to get over the poor-me phase. You need to suck it up and grow up.

I really screwed this thing up.

Love,

Leigh