After The Fire

Part 17

August 2, 1993

The last 24 hours have been a blur. When Mr. Carroll came in to speak to us, I heard a primal scream come out of Stevie that shattered me to the core.   The first thing we did was get her off of the maternity ward.  The hospital put us in a beautiful private room away from everyone.   Honestly, I wanted to take her home, but they wanted to wait a full 48 hours after delivery to discharge her.   A detective specializing in child abductions came in and asked more questions than I could have imagined.  There were definitely more questions than answers.  Obviously, who we are could have played a large part in the baby's disappearance.  That's where the detective was focused right now.  Question after question.  Stevie was visibly distraught but she answered questions and refused to not be part of the process with the police.   She and I sat there, hand in hand, answering questions and begging the authorities to find Eloise.  She needed us.  She needed her momma.  A lactation nurse came in to help Stevie pump breast milk because she was so uncomfortable.  Stevie cried thru the entire process, not from physical pain.  The emotional pain was eating her alive. 

"That's for Eloise, don't throw that out!"  She was screaming.  

"Of course Miss Nicks.  We just want you to be as comfortable as possible."

Barbara and Jess were here.  My mother was here.  Stevie wouldn't let me out of her sight.  Honestly, I didn't want to be.  Doctors suggested sedating her but given her history, I couldn't let them do that.  Stevie wouldn't have tolerated it either.  She made me promise I wouldn't leave her out of any conversation about Eloise.  And I didn't.   It was painful, heart wrenching, and something I never thought I would experience in my life, but Steph and I were in the together.  We brought Eloise into this world and we were going to bring her home to us.  

After 2 days, Stevie was discharged.  Barbara came back to the house with us.  She took care of both of us.  I needed to be strong for Stevie, but I was crumbling inside.  In my mind, I kept seeing this perfect little pink person.  A little bit of Stevie, a little me of me, and a whole lot of beautiful, but 3 days later, did she still look like that?  Babies change so much.  Truthfully, if someone put her in front of me right now, would I know my own baby?  In my heart of hearts, I know that answer to be yes, but it made me think.  

A detective came by to let us know what the plan for the investigation was. So complicated my mind couldn't process.  But Stevie and I sat there, hand in hand and listened.  I know she was put of by the matter of fact tone the detective took with us.  Almost made it seem like Eloise was not a person.  I know he was disassociating himself from us, but I couldn't understand how you do that?   After he left, Stevie went upstairs and I went to the kitchen to help Barbara cook the dinner that Stevie wouldn't eat.  

After unsuccessful attempts to get Stevie to eat something, I went upstairs to our room.  She was lying on her side and for all intents and purposes, I would have assumed her to be fast asleep, but I knew better.  I climbed into bed and wrapped my whole body around her.  

"Baby, I need you to talk to me.  I need you to promise you won't shut me out.  I know you are hurting. I am too.  You and Eloise are my life.  I need you with me Steph.  I need you in this.  Please don't shut me out."  I whispered into her ear like she was a child.    She pulled my arms closer around her and turned. 

"Linds, I feel her.  I know she's here.  Close by.   I need you to believe me.  Please?" 

At that moment, I didn't know what to believe, but I knew Stevie's sanity rested in my answer. 

"Of course Angel.  I am here and we are going to find our girl."  I said as I wrapped her even further into my embrace.  And I prayed to all that is holy that I wasn't lying to her.