After The Fire

Part 19

April-December 1994

For a brief period of time over the last month, Stevie and I were closer than we were before Eloise was born. We leaned on each other. When I was weak, she was strong and then she lost it, and I held her up. We even made love again. A few times. It felt so good to be close to her. But we are drifting again. It's really neither of our faults but it's happening. I don't know what to do and either does she. I feel like I've failed my family because my daughter is out there somewhere and I can't do anything to find her. I would happily hand over every dollar in my bank account to bring her home, but that won't work. I know Stevie would too. In her moments of weakness when she's let me comfort her, she tells me she feels like she failed us because her mothers intuition should be kicking in and telling her where Eloise is. I don't think mothers intuition works like that, but I can't tell her that.   She won't even leave the house for fear she will miss a call that comes in about the baby.
"Stevie, why don't we get out of here for a little while?"  She looks at me like I've grown a second head,  but before she snaps something at me, she bites her tongue and shakes her head.  
"You go out if you want.  I am staying here"
I grab her arm and turn her to face me as she walks out of the room.
"Stevie, honey, I didn't mean a 2 week cruise.  Just dinner or a walk on the beach.  I think it will be good for you.  For us."  I was probably begging to some degree but I didn't care.  She was slipping away. 
She just shook her head and walked back to our bedroom.  I watched her walk upstairs and shut the door.
The next few weeks was more of the same.  Karen was trying to get her engaged with work but Stevie wanted no part of it.  Occasionally, Christine, Sharon or Lori would pop in and try to get her to go to lunch.  She would always politely decline. 
As we moved into the summer, I would love to say things changed, but they didn't.  I managed to get her to the beach one day at sunset.  We took a walk and then sat in the sand for a little bit.  She let me hold her for about 20 minutes.  I was in heaven. Then we had to race home to wait for a call that I knew wasn't going to come. 
"Linds, I called Mick.  He's going to swing by.  You need to get out of the house and I just can't do it.  You need a fun night out with friends.  We've been cooped up here for months.  I physically just can't go out.  This trip to the beach stressed me beyond belief.  I just can't do it."
"Angel, I don't want to go out with Mick or friends.  I want to go out with you.   I want to spend time with you."   I moved to wrap my arms around her but she backed away.  I know these signs in her.  She's closing herself off.  I saw it happen during Rumours when she was trying to shut me out.  She's doing it again. 
"No!  You need to do this.  It will be good for you".  And she ran up the stairs.  Not five minutes later the doorbell rang.  She wasn't kidding.
"Hey mate.  Your fiancé is pawning you off on me tonight."  He chuckled.  " I know you probably aren't up for it, so if you'd rather just sit in the backyard and vent, I am a good listener". And with that, two six packs of beer materialized from behind his back. 
This became a weekly ritual for Mick and I.  Sometimes we stayed at our place and sometimes we even ventured out.   We asked Stevie to join us a few times but she always declined. 
Eloise's first birthday was quickly approaching and I was dreading it.   I couldn't believe how much our lives had changed in the last 18 months.   The last 12 were hell and some days I feel farther away from Stevie now than after I quit the band.
I was sitting in the backyard talking to Eloise.  I've done this a lot over the last year.  This is where I feel closest to her.
"Happy birthday Princess.  I hope you can hear me in your heart.  I can't believe you are 1 today.  I hope you are having a wonderful day.  I am going to be honest princess, mommy and I are not having a good day.  We miss you so much it hurts.  There is a pain in our hearts and nothing is going to close it up.  Nothing except you."
"Linds?"  I turned around to see Stevie and tears rolling down her cheeks matching the tears rolling down mine.   I held my arms out to her and she sat on my lap and buried her face in my neck. "I hurt so much.  I can't stop thinking about her.   She thinks someone else is mommy.  I am her mommy.  You are her daddy but we are strangers to her.  I am so angry right now.  I want someone to hurt like we are hurting.  I can't leave the house Linds because I can't bear to see other women with their babies.  That is supposed to be me"
She's sobbing now and I can't calm her down so I just hold her, rocking her and kissing her head. After a while I realize she's cried herself to sleep.  I don't move because I don't want her to wake up and leave me arms.  She came to me.  Tonight was the first time in months where she actively sought me out.  I sent a silent prayer up to God to help us. 
Unfortunately, it didn't last.  2 days after Eloise's birthday, Stevie retreated back into herself.  We slowly made it thru the fall and into the holidays.  Was it just 2 years ago we sat on this floor eating hamburger helper.  I feel like I've aged 50 years since then.
Once again Christmas and New Years came and went and as I faced the clock striking midnight, I wondered what was going to become of Stevie and I.