After The Fire

Part 18

March 1994

It's a new year.  The holidays came and went and they were grim.  So grim.  Lindsey and I were supposed to get married.  That didn't happen. I just couldn't bring myself to do that without Eloise here.  We are still together, but barely.  We need each other so much and yet we continue to push each other away.  We haven't made love since before Eloise was born.  I can honestly say I have no drive and desire.  I lost all the weight I gained while pregnant and then some. Stress will do that to you.  I am driving him away.  I know I am.  

I can't believe my baby is 7  months old right now and I haven't seen her since the day she was born.  I don't even know what she looks like.  In my mind I do, but it's not the same.  

Lindsey and I have retreated to opposite ends of the house.  He's got his guitar in the studio in the basement and I am at the piano in the living room.  While I can honestly say I have no desire to ever set foot on stage again, and the chances of anyone hearing these songs, at least mine, are pretty slim, it's like therapy for me.  I am closer to my baby right now.  All of these songs are about her.   Beautiful songs and words about my baby.   Not a second of the day goes by when she's not in my every thought.   I know I need to be a better partner to Lindsey though.   I blindly run over the keys and before I know it, I am playing "Crystal"  My song for Lindsey.  I didn't realize but at that moment he was standing in the doorway.  

"Steph?"  I turn suddenly.  "Lindsey.  How long have you been standing there?"  

"Almost thirty years."  I smile and realize he has been there, either physically or emotionally for more than half my life.  He walks over and sits down next to me on the bench.  "How are you doing today baby?"  He whispers into my hair.  I shake my head and a sob escapes.  I bury my face into the curve of his neck.  My safe place.  His pulse always calms me.  I pull back and look into his eyes, and there are tears there too.   I lean forward and press my lips to his.  He and I have been through the "what ifs" a million times since that say.  "What if she didn't go back to the nursery.  What if she was born a day later or a day earlier.  What if I checked in with the nursery during the night"  The reality is, nothing would have changed.  I have always believed in destiny, but somehow, I can't believe that after all the years of wanting a baby, so deep in my soul, my destiny was to have a baby and she would be kidnapped.  Or was this some higher beings way of punishing me for saying I didn't want children.  That was a lie I told myself to justify in my head the choices I had made.  I didn't mean it.  

"What were you working on in the studio?"  I knew it had to be Eloise's song.  I still haven't heard the words he's put to it yet, if in fact he has.  

"Just a song I've been trying to get right."  I nod.  "Come on."  And he grabs my hand.  "Come sit outside with me.  It's a beautiful day and I know you don't want any sun, but you need the fresh air.  And I need to be with you."  He kisses my forehead and we walk out to the deck which is covered with a canopy and lay down on the double lounger.   Lindsey rubs his hands over my back and plays with my hair.  I know he's not trying to start something but I can feel he's getting aroused.  

"Linds, I can't." 

"Stevie, listen, just hear me out.  Believe me I didn't bring you out here to try and have my way with you.  I miss you yes, but I am not a primitive ape.  I just need to feel you.  I miss you.  When we are awake we are avoiding each other, but when we sleep we gravitate to each other and hang on for dear life.  But in the morning, we roll away from each other and go about our day.  Steph, no one knows what you and I are feeling right now, except us.  You and I.  I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone else, but I wouldn't want to go through this with anyone else.  I totally agreed with you in postponing the wedding, but honey, I need to know we are in this.  You and me baby.  I need you to lean on me and tell me how you are feeling.  I need to lean on you too.  You are the only person who knows my heart is completely shattered and the only reason I haven't completely given up on everything is you.  Angel you are my light."  He kissed me and wiped the tears off of my cheeks.  "Can you do that for me?"

I nodded, he was right.  Everything he said.  We need each other.  

"I do need you Lindsey.  More than I have told you and more than I can say.  I am sorry I am shutting down and shutting you out.  I don't mean to.  I just can't understand why this would happen to us.  We are good people.  I know I've done some awful things to my body over the years, but I took such good care of her when she was in me.  Why would someone do this to us?"  The tears were running down my cheeks and I couldn't stop them.  "I miss Eloise so much I physically ache.  If it wasn't for you Lindsey, I would be gone.  I know it"  

I have a feeling I know what she meant by gone, but I don' t address it.    I wrap my arms around her even tighter if it's possible.  Needing to feel every part of her.  

"Linds, please make love to me.  Please.  I need to feel love.  I need you.  Please?"  And her brown eyes bore into my soul and for the first time in 9 months we make love outside under the canopy.  We need this to heal and remember we are a couple.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but right now, Stevie and I are together.