anything and everything _ stuff

rant / levi's anxiety driven thoughts !

this girl (lets call her blue) im quite gud friends with her and she constantly complains about not having anyone she can talk to / not having any friends yeT she has sO many friends (including myself) that are so willing to listen to her talk / rant about things.

blue also wont let anyone help her? like she'll say shes feeling sad and that she wants to talk to someone and ill message her, and she will ignore me like if you dont want to talk to me that is completely fine!! just please please please tell me so i dont have to worry about you / me!!

and blues conSTANTLy indirecting people, and being a person with anxiety, people i consider friends doing indirects are one of the worst things ever i hate them so much because i just feel like ive done something wrong or im being annoying even if i havent spoken to them that day it doesnt matter because my brain just goes "you are so annoying, tht thing u posted on ig? with the caption 'good morning'? so annoying god levi what are you doing"

like being mad / annoyed / sad / angry at someone is completely fine but can you just keep it away from me so i dont have to keep feeling im always doing something wrong u know

and blue does this thing instead of just saying "you are so annoying !" as an indirect, she'll type like this "i wish i never **** ** **** **** *** *******" and that is so much worse and the other day she tweeted (and then deleted) something like "i know ive made a lot of mistakes in my life but befriending **** *** *** has got to be the worst mistake" and i stg i nearly cried

anD i feel like our friendship is really one sided? like ive talked to her about so many secret things, and she never really does that with me and i feel like she doesnt trust me or doesnt want to talk to me about things and then i feel like im making myself seem like an untrustworthy person and then ill go through everything ive said that she could possibly see to make sure i dont seem like an asshole

basically my anxiety has been awFUL lately and blue just makes me feel more paranoid and like a bad person but its not really possible to cut her out of my life