Midale

Chapter Twenty-Nine: All a Game of Power

The memories were a little hazy, but they were there. The feelings were a little hesitant, but they were there. The boy was buried deep in my thoughts, but he was still there.

It was all real. Perhaps, too real.

Sometimes the full magnitude of situations, I found myself in, got overwhelming, but it was never anything I couldn't deal with. Except, apparently, Lydia's death. I somehow knew that there was still a part of me that was lost in the darkness that symbolized her death, but I never thought it was a part of me I needed. A part of me that was tired of the darkness, it was so overwhelmed with the sorrow and grief enveloping it that it was about to break away.

Losing somebody is hard, but losing somebody that is a part of you is harder. And the only time that hollow space in my soul seemed to fill in was when I was near fire.

Not just any fire, but the fire that belonged to him. A fire that made me burn to the core, until there was nothing left of me but ashes. It may look like it destroyed me, but really, those ashes of mine were more powerful than any physical body could muster. Because my ashes weren't alone. I wasn't the only one who burned, he burned with me. And as long his existence was connected to mine, I felt like everything would be alright. Eventually.

Half of the crap inside my head was nothing more than wishful thinking and deep, romantic rubbish that made sense to nobody but me. But this rubbish felt better than everything and anything else. It was a load of nonsense, but it described who I was and what I was all about, but most importantly, it described what I wanted. Something I could never understand.

Even after seventeen full years in this world, I was still trying to make sense of the mystery that was Madison Turner (a.k.a. me). I wasn't really sure if I wanted to solve this puzzle though, sometimes that best mysteries were the ones that were never solved. And maybe I was destined to be one of those.

"You're thinking." Miles said.

"You say it like it's a bad thing."

"That's because it is."

"Agreed." I turned to him. He sat there with his dark hair shining in the moonlight. Neither of us had had the strength or will to walk back to my car and drive back home, if that even existed. I mean in a way it did, but Granny's house, my parent's house, didn't feel like home. It felt foreign and more like a Sanctuary.

But then again, lifeless places had never felt like home to me.

"Are we going to talk about what happened?" I shocked myself by asking. I had promised myself that I was not ready to talk about it and even if it happened, I wouldn't be the first one to bring it up. But apparently my mouth had its own plans that evidently disregarded all my self-imposed rules.

Miles tensed at the question and I bit my lip, making sure my tongue knew what it was in for if it disobeyed me ever again. It sucked that it was a part of me and in punishing it I was in a way punishing myself. It hurt like hell either way.

I forced myself to turn away from him, letting him know that I was not going to push for an answer. And anyways, what did I expect? I had messed up and the best way to deal with it was to forget about it. It had happened in a moment of weakness and I had let my feelings get the best of me. The way we felt about each other was no secret to either of us, but blaming it all on him wasn't going to cut it. He wasn't the one taking advantage of knowing how I felt about him, it had been me. I was the one who let him get that close, knowing that it could only end one way. And maybe somewhere deep inside, it was what I wanted all along. In a way, I was just as cruel as Arthur. I couldn't believe I could lead Miles on, knowing that the better half of me would always belong to someone else, whether I wanted it or not. I shouldn't have used him to make myself feel better. To make myself feel like I was still wanted. I disgusted myself.