Love Me Back

Chapter 8

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February 17

Dear Finn,

You were at that coffee shop a couple days ago, weren't you? When I saw you, I did a double take 'cause I thought you'd never go there ever again.

It used to be ours.

And notice how I used past tense, because it's not ours anymore, and it's my fault.

I ruined everything. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for breaking your heart, for ruining your life, and I'm sorry for me, too. I'm sorry that I chose Jack, that he was the one I chose to be in love with, to be addicted to.

Addicted, like a drug.

Because that's how love works.

And Jack doesn't even love me, did you know that? He pretends he does, but he only needs me because it's good for his image. It's only his lust that keeps him going, and I couldn't deal with it anymore.

So I broke up with him.

Aren't you so glad I did, though? Because now you're the only one that even has the slightest chance. You were supposed to be the only one, but I foolishly replaced you with a monster.

I've moved out of Jack's apartment. It was supposed to be, you know, ours, but when I left, he took it for himself. He didn't deserve it, either. Who was the one paying the extra 150 for rent every month? Who was the one that cleaned up every night? Who was the one that did everything in the goddamn house? I felt like Jack didn't appreciate me.

BUt you did.

And I think I still love you. I almost hope I do, and that's what scares the living shit out of me. Being so addicted to love that I would hope for someone to love me back.

It's just that no one loves me.

It's true. We go through life, believing certain things, only to realize that those things aren't real. That they aren't true.

I thought that people loved me, that they actually cared, but you, Finn, you were the only person that actually cared.

I remembered our first Valentine's day together. You had leaned over and whispered, "Happy Forever Alone Day," and, smiling, kissed me. I didn't feel alone; I had you. And we were happy.

And I ruined that.

Do you still love me?

Because I'm holding on by a thread, and that thread is becoming thinner and thinner every time I wake up in this hellish place.

You are that thread, and I don't even know if you want me to hold on anymore.

-Cara