Love Me Back

Chapter 16

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March 24

Dear Cara,

I can't leave you. I can't--what the fuck did your letter say?

Ah. 'Let you go'.

I can't do that. I can't imagine the thought of someone else holding your hand, kissing you on your cheek, or handing you flowers for Valentines.

It's just physically and mentally impossible for me.

Maybe it's my fault, too, for falling in love with you. If only I had never asked you out to go to that coffee shop, or asked you to prom, or never asked you why you were gone so much.

Maybe you can move on, but I sure can't.

I've never loved someone this much.

Not even my parents. No matter what score I get on my quizzes, no matter how many goals I score, they always want more. Remember the Chapter Four quiz in Lit? I got a 98, the best in the class. You complimented me, and I tried my best to act indifferent throughout the rest of the day, though your words made my heart swell with pride.

I couldn't. When I got home, I had cheerfully told my parents about that quiz.

And what did they say?

"What happened to the other two percent?"

"You were at the top of your class? Your classmates are stupid!"

I had pushed away my dinner and left the table. I had spent the rest of the day in my room, perusing my quiz and wondering what possibly could have gone wrong. My parents have never apologized for that. To them, there was always something that could be done about me. There was always something that could be better.

I had loved you more than anything in the world, and you had discarded me like I was nothing.

Why? Why, Cara, did you treat me like I didn't mean anything to you? What did I ever do to deserve that?

You were wrong when you said "I love you" had no meaning, Cara. Because it does. No matter how many times you say it, the meaning never goes away. Those three words have the power to stop time, to steal breath, to salvage what's left of a kingdom. Those three words can make your heart beat faster, or they can give you the motivation to keep going. Those three words matter.

I. Fucking. Love. You.

And maybe you really did love me at some point, Cara. You showed it, and sometimes people show love instead of voicing it.

Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions.

Forever yours,

Finn.