Since When Did You Become a Romantic?

Chapter 27: Car Rides and Cigarettes

Seemingly hundreds of phone calls and voicemails from Frank, Mikey, Lindsey, Brendon, Pete, practically everyone doesn't bring him out of hiding. He spends his days lying around in the cheapest motel room he can find. The scarlet wallpaper is peeled half way down and the black bed spread is on the floor. The room is littered with empty bottles, broken glass, cigarettes, and Mikey's confiscated pills. Gerard thinks he might as well put them to good use.

The days pass in a blur, all meshing together, nothing separating them from the next. Every hour, every thought makes Gerard want to find a way to get rid of them. So he does the only thing he knows, it's an old trip down memory lane.

Gerard sits on the edge of the bed, shaking. There's no sheets on the bed anymore, the color reminded him of the sheets he and Frank slept on every night. Wrapped tightly against his warm little body always calmed him down, even now he misses Frank. But no, he can't, he can't think about Frank anymore. Gerard looks down to the syringe in his hand, it's old and dirty but the last thing he cares about is his health. Using his free hand, he wipes his eye, even thinking about Frank made him tear up. With his shaking hands, he presses the needle into his forearm. The sharp pain from the dull needle makes him groan. But the soon rush of relaxation from the drug melting into his skin, calms him. The shaking slows to a stop and he lets out a deep breath. A breath that let out all the anger, betrayal, confusion, and false hope.

Gerard leans back onto the bare mattress. He can feel his muscles melting into his bones. The scraped up scarlet wallpaper starts to feel like it's crawling up the wall again. To the place it belongs, Gerard wishes he could go back to where he belonged too. To the first day he met Frank, to tell himself then not to fall in love. To rip apart the very fabric of time itself to tell himself to stop. To not build sets together, to not go on coffee dates, to not let him move in, to not love him. Gerard wants to yell at his past self, write it on every wall, every surface, every song, every book: falling in love will kill you. It will tear you to pieces because it will end no matter what. No matter how much you love them it'll be over. Maybe not today, maybe not next month or even next year, but one day one of you will die and the other will die of a broken heart. Only to be reduced to a walking shell of your former self. The self that picks up the paper but doesn't smile at the comics because you would always read them aloud in dumb voices. The self that is late to every meeting because you weren't there to shove them out of bed. The self that is broken, crushed, nothing.

Gerard gets lost in his thoughts instead of leaving them. He has always felt too much, it's always been his flaw, his one fatal flaw. So now he lays in a dirty motel room, higher than a kite, crying. Crying because all the emotions that he feels have to show themselves in some way and this is the only way. The warm tears roll down his cheeks and into his greasy hair. He can't remember the last time he showered or ate. He can't remember the last time he did anything. It feels like he's been living in this motel room for a year. Time seems to crawl here. It's like fate is laughing at him. Time isn't suppose to exist in motel rooms.

Gerard flexes his fingers in an attempt to study them. There isn't much to it but it's keeping him distracted. He looks up at the popcorn ceiling and sniffles his tears to a stop. There's a piece of him that feels grounded and another that's off in the clouds. He's always had a bit of a split personality but now it's the half of him that loves Frank and the half that hates him.

A few hours later a knock on the door makes him groan. He's surprised to hear it but doesn't have the energy to move his body. It aches. The knocking persists till Gerard has dragged himself to the ground. He uses the small amount of energy he has due to not eating or sleeping and opens the door. The bright headlights hurt his weak eyes.

"Oh thank god," Gerard is wrapped in a hug. It takes him a moment to process who this is. "I thought I would never find you. Mikey has been so worried."