Beta,
I was just hugging your Boston sweatshirt. And now my head feels full of missing you, and it kinda hurts. But I guess it’s in a good way. I feel really sad now though. Just full of aching. In my chest, and throat, and face. I don’t really know what to do, honestly. I hate that word now. It automatically reminds me of Ambra. She would respond, whenever I said the word “honestly”, with a “you aren’t honest so you can’t say that word. You have to earn it.” Being called a liar hurts, and hearing her voice in my head as I say “honestly”, or type it, it hurts too. I’m sorry for saying that. I didn’t mean to type that out. But I don’t want to erase anything I type, hence the strikethrough of that word. My head is still full of missing you. My mouth, lips, are trembling with the feeling. But now it’s not just my missing you. I’m missing everything. Matilda, Harvey, Courtney, even Trinity, Zack, Austin, Callie, long walks where nobody cared, just; nobody caring, being able to do whatever because nobody cares. Don’t get me wrong, I love you caring, and Austin caring, and Callie caring, but when I am in the land of Nobody-Gives-A-Fuck then I can do anything without hurting anybody. Never mind, I prefer you caring for you and being mine to fucking myself over a ton. This thinking hurts. A lot. All of it. Just so painful. I have to admit something Beta, I’ve been more than just obsessing with what I’ve been eating. I’ve been telling myself not to eat, and when I wake up in the morning, I hate myself for what I ate the day before, and deciding yet again to not ingest anything. I’ve been below five hundred, with about two hundred for lunch, and about another two for supper. Today I had about five hundred and forty, because I decided to drink milk, so I went above what I should have. I honestly don’t deserve to eat, because that means I will be gaining weight, and I shouldn’t. I cannot. I can’t. I don’t want more to hate. I’m terrified Beta, terrified. But confession aside, I apologize for that as well. I feel ill. My stomachs upset. It could be because of all my thoughts, just more anxiety. Oh well. I feel like crying. My cheekbones ache with the need to just ball up and sob. My eyebrow bones do too. My stomach is getting continuously worse. This is horrible. I’m going to be happy though, watch me. I’m okay. I can’t not be okay. I have to be. And I will be. Simple as that. I feel so exhausted. So so exhausted. Everyday through school I feel exhausted, then when I try to sleep I can’t, then when I do. I get terrified and I wake up feeling horrible which starts the cycle over again. I know I don’t help with the whole my being happy all the time no matter what for everyone else. But I’m afraid of what would happen. I hate this feeling. I hate being so sad, beyond sad, beyond tired, all the time, I hate not wanting to create attention towards myself, and feeling like I will if I allow myself to show all of these crazy emotions. I’m so done with it all Beta. So done. I don’t want to have to deal with this. I want to deal with you, deal with your smile in the morning, and how good it makes me feel to see it. Deal with your voice tickling my ears and making me smile. But I really don’t want to have to deal with feeling like how I do right now, how I have been since my whole fiasco with sending my good father to jail. I feel horrible. I just. I’m sorry. I’m going to go now.
Love,
Cassidy
