These are the letters I write to my Beta, but never have the gall to give to him, they're too negative, I think. And I know he wants me to tell him things, but this is just me venting. So I am going to post this, to where nobody really looks. xx
This is the first I didn't send him.
Beta, if it wasn’t me that you met over a year ago, if it hand’t been me that was Courtney’s insomniac friend, if it hand’t been me two summers ago. Would you have loved that girl instead. Would you have fallen for her, the one that isn’t broken? Someone who listened to you instead of just talked. A prettier girl, a kinder one, one who you could be interested in, before me. Before you knew me, knew me. Could you have fallen for someone else? Could you be in love with another person right now if the first night hand’t happened. If I hand’t been there to speak to you? Do you think you would be happier? If you hand’t gone through what knowing me has put you through. First the banning of seeing each other. Then knowing of things that have broken me. Hearing of my countless nights of wretched horrors I place upon myself. Knowing of how I am treated. Of how I put myself in all the situations. All of what happened this summer. My moving half a state away. Do you think you’d be happier if I hadn’t ever come into your life, because then you wouldn’t have had so much bullshit to deal with? I am so sorry for all I have put you through. I never want you hurt. You are my world. And I am so sorry for all that has happened negatively towards you. Sometimes when I feel like this, I don’t feel as though it’s “Staying Strong” to not go with how I feel and allow myself the “Pleasure” that I am craving. It would be so much better, it makes me feel weak when my mood is like this because it doesn’t sound like a bad idea to go fucking apeshit with a blade. I still have untorn skin left too, so it’s not as though I’ve allowed myself even close to enough pain. I know you don’t like the sounds of that, and I understand, because I wouldn’t enjoy you saying the same. It’s just how I feel right now. And a lot of the time. I keep imagining my Dad. I don’t know how this is going to stay behind me honestly. I feel terrible about it, I’ve ruined his life. I am so sorry for it too. I am full of so much regret and remorse. And it feels horrible. It empties my body, sickens my stomach, and puts foul tastes in my mouth. I hate myself. I hate that in less than an hour I can make a person say they want to kill themselves. I hate myself because I’ve ruined so much. I don’t get to see you every day. You’re moving back to your Dad’s because of a horrid decision on another’s part. I don’t even get to talk to you most of the time. I would like to stop existing for a while. Dying would mean going without you until you die as well, and I hate the thought of you dying. Just not exist for a bit, stop the world and attempt to get a hold on at least one thing. You even feel temporary at times. Because I wonder things like I asked above. I wonder if you will always feel as though I am good enough. I worry that you will doubt your love for me. That you wont love me. I worry about you finding someone better, smarter, prettier. Everything better. I can imagine so much better for you. I know you deserve to be happy, absolutely, you deserve to be happy more than anyone else I know. But what if someone else can make you happier? What if you find somebody else, and not just in the far away future, what if it’s soon, where I can’t really hold you through this bullshit. You could get someone else to hold you. And if it makes you happy, I would have my heart torn in two for you. I just wouldn’t enjoy it. If you find someone better, I will be shocked, but not surprised. Maybe it will just mean you aren’t “Blinded by love” anymore, that you can see everyone compared to me as they really are, and as I really am instead of how your eyes have generated me in your mind. I’m afraid of not having you, I’m even more afraid of you coming to hate me because of how shitty a human being I am. Because that would be horrid. Absolutely fricken horrid. I wouldn’t know how to live with it. How to live without you. I really don’t want to. To go without the love I have for you. How do you know you love me Beta? How do you know it’s love? We can’t be taught it. We have to use our senses. Have you ever thought you loved someone? Because if you have you could just be “thinking” you love me as well. And I am scared witless of that. Because it sounds horrible. I’ve never been in love before you. I will never be in love again. I will be in love once, and once always, in love with you forever. It’s up to you always, Beta. I am never leaving you. Even if you tell me to leave you the hell alone then I will still await your call, or just to speak to you again someday. I don’t know how hard it would be to be without you. Thinking of all this is depressing me more. I’m getting to the numbness part. Almost there. I apologize for all of this. For all of what I’ve said in this letter, more for questioning you so much. I apologize for seeming as though I lack trust, it’s not that I lack it, I just wonder if you’ll change your mind. On a different subject, I love you Beta, love is a horrid word. It’s four letters and tries to contain an emotion that I have felt so strongly every time I even think of you that a smile pops upon my face, and trying to contain all that is a horrible idea, and should never happen. And another thing, I don’t think having anymore sex would be a good idea for now, because we don’t have condoms for one, and I know I most likely wont be able to produce children for years because of my body’s condition, but still, it’s important. We both used to talk of how stupid it was for others’ our ages to have sex, especially unprotected. And now we’ve been doing it. What makes us so special? We are more mature, yes, and yes, we do trust each other more, and we are more closely connected, and we plan on being forever, but so don’t all of them. We may be on a higher level of that, but it doesn’t change the circumstance. Our parents would kill me, then you, then be pissed as we raised a child at my age of fourteen or maybe up to eighteen. I wouldn’t want that. I don’t want children right now, not at this age or in that circumstance. I’d rather have a family when we can support them, and when we can do so happily, and much easier than we’d be able to now. If we’re to be together forever I don’t want it to be because of something like my getting pregnant now, I want you to be with me because you always want to be, because you’re in love with me and you’ll never stop. Not because you feel obligated to. Which is why months ago I made you promise that you wouldn’t stay with me out of guilt or because you’d be afraid of my getting worse. I just. want to keep our love pure, and happy, with no excuses. I’m going to go now, because I am numb and afraid of it going away and my getting worse. So, goodnight.
