Beta,
I know I keep writing negative letters, I just feel the need to vent, and this is how, I apologize if you don’t like it. My brother keeps calling me a liar, and it’s bugging me. And I’ve been thinking of the couple of days that led up to when I got kidnapped by you and your mom and I told the police everything. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Right before, when I had been talking with my dad, I had been told to write down everything I had down wrong in the three years, and to apologize for it, for a complete restart. And so I did, and then I went and did that. And that adds to the fact of why I am a twat and a horrible person. And it makes me feel bad. Really horrible. I just keep beating myself up. I mean, I know I’m supposed to be getting better, but with all of this guilt it just makes me itch to drop into the dark caverns. Crying to sleep, I understand Beta. I have been spending every night doing so after attempting to cheer myself up with videos, writing, music, anything I can think of, and then I just loom into the sea of tears. And then have tons of nightmares, and wake up not wanting the day to start. Recently, I’ve been telling myself it’s going to be a good day, but then things make me feel worse and worse, like when Joe was a jerk to me, and I almost started to cry because I couldn’t just stop and accept the fact that it was nothing until a while after. It’s like all the pokes at me are stabs and they hurt beyond measure. The whole apartment smells of pot and it’s wretched.
I didn’t add anymore until this just now, and I am saying goodnight. Nothing left to add on this letter. I love you.
Love,
Cassidy.
