Beta,
I know what I am doing isn’t ‘healthy’ per se, I know we need to get better. Right now it really doesn’t feel like better, at all. Because I’ve just finally started seeing results. The beginning to what could be getting somewhere I want t o be. I’d love that, I think. I’ve never actually been to the place where I want to be, unless I’m with you, and you are showing me directly where to go, and as soon as I am away from you it doesn’t seem right or okay. I want you happy. I will do anything to make you so. I also want to be thinner, I know that sounds stupid. I know you don’t want to hear it. I know nobody does. But it’s the truth. As I get better, I keep gaining weight, and it’s so ridiculous. And it bugs me. So I just try my best not to relapse while relapsing, if that makes sense. Losing the weight but not super unhealthily. Then I started doing whatever it takes recently. And I began to notice it, my wrists always are first when I start losing weight, and my stomach was noticeable today. Which means I’m getting somewhere. It may be in the wrong direction, but I think I may go in this direction a couple more times in our life. And this is familiar for me, everything else is different for me, and having something familiar to me is comforting in a way. Even if I am obsessing. I have reminders on my laptop and ipod to ‘be lovely’, which honestly means: remember to be lovely, and to be lovely you have to be good, and good girls don’t eat. And so I see that every morning, and I check it if I think I’ve earned it. I haven’t earned it for three days. I had two hundred and seventy calories yesterday, and hopefully worked it all off, walking two miles, and taking a cold shower. Walking around all day pacing, fidgeting. I hope it burned them all off. Today I will make sure I do. Before I downloaded, and deleted, My Fitness Pal, I had already started writing down my meals and workouts. And I’ve continued, so I know whether or not I deserve anything. Yes, a lot of it comes down to deserving. It makes sense to me. Because there are already another set of strong voices in my head, that can be stronger than a hurricane. They are always there, and they’ve been screaming a lot lately. Helping me take up less space. It’s as though the only way I can be happy at times is by feeding the voices with starvation of my body. And it makes me hope for peace in myself. This is just my explanation. I hope it allowed you for to get underneath my skin and thinking for a moment.
Love,
Cassidy.
