Beta,
I feel so.. Triggered. There, I’ve said it. I don’t know why it’s so challenging for me to say so, but it’s true. I am feeling extremely triggered. And it’s not going away. And when I say it, it makes me feel worse, and like I’m wasting time, and the amount of space I am using is much too much, and like the only way to fix it is bleeding out, getting smaller, or dying. And the feeling just digs deeper and deeper into my organs, my skin, where it sits, burning me bright red. My liver has been shot by my poisonous thoughts and needs. I don’t know how to stop this. It just doesn’t stop. In the morning is when it starts, then I forget at parts of the day during school, and then it comes back, even worse than when I woke up. And it happens each day, to the point of my falling asleep, and gaining my nightmares that never end. I’ve had 2 servings of pizza, an english muffin with orange marmalade, and milk. That would be 510 calories, and it’s much too many. And it just keeps feeling like much too much. I can go without eating at all. And now it’s about getting better. Instead of being at 210, I’ve gained 300 calories in two days. It’s sad on my part, and I keep beating myself up about it, even with knowing I am supposed to be getting better. It just makes me feel worse, it’s the only way I can explain it. You know, as long as I eat once in front of my mom a day then she doesn’t think about how much or whether or not I need more, and it’s okay. You really are the only one who cares, I’ve destroyed the relationship between my father and I, he probably hates me, my mom is oblivious to everything, my brother is full of spite towards me, Callie is changing and I don’t know to what, Austin is just obsessed with me and will tell me whatever I want to hear, I hate myself, you are the only one cares. Thank you for it, I hope you know that I really appreciate it, know it with all your heart, that I do appreciate it. I know I am a challenge, and that sometimes, maybe even most of the time, I may not seem worth it, but I appreciate you staying with me through all this bullshit, and thank you. I feel like I am just wasting away, and I don’t know how to stop. I’ve been craving to hurt myself, lost my rubber bands because my mom put them somewhere for packing, and I am trying hard not to do anything. I know where all the razors are. I even could do it at school, just ask Jason for one and he’d give it to me, I’m sure. The thing is, that I’m actually trying. Even if I hate myself, I love you, and I don’t want to hurt you. I know I want to feel what I do when I’ve cut myself, that I want to feel the pain that makes me happy. And knowing that doesn’t make it any better, or easier, but I can admit it now. I’m freaking because in five days I am going to see my father after not for seeing him for so long, and now I am going to be testifying against him. And it’s going to be horrible. I am so terrified. And I feel so guilty. It’s making me feel more broken than ever. I feel exhausted, of what, I don’t even know how to describe. It’s an exhaustion I fear will never completely go away. I don’t think I am going to go to school tomorrow if I feel like this. I don’t think I would be able to, not without coming in contact with harmful things. At least here, it’s packed in boxes, and at my nans the only thing that I could do is use pins, or steak knives. Here, it’s a lot more. But I know I could get even worse without anybody being any of the wiser if I go to school feeling this horrible. And with my nauseas stomach it doesn’t help either, and my headache has comeback. I’m trying deep breathing, like you said to, it’s not helping though. Just making me feel more sick. It’s disgusting. If blowing my brains out would fix this whole situation that I am in, I think I might. But it wont, only put it away, under a rug, and then hurt everyone around me, making things worse, instead of actually fixing them. I don’t know how to handle this, Beta, I really don’t. Trying to handle this is so hard. If I could do it without feeling, it would be so much easier, but for some reason I am feeling right now, and I haven’t shut off yet. And so I have to take it the hard way. Why can’t life be at least close to equal, I know it isn’t fair, I get that, but America, even with the fricken government being shut down, fights for equality, so why can’t we actually have it? Why can’t I feel equal to everyone else, at least only a couple of bars below, instead of a million. It’s so hard. So so hard. I feel so worthless. So done with myself. I feel like giving up. But I can’t, because I have you. And if I didn’t, I’d have been dead by last October. When I had been getting especially worse, that was just the beginning, I tried to not get too bad because I had you, but I kept getting worse, until May-ish, I think. I want to allow myself to stop trying, but I have you, so I continue to try. If I wasn’t trying, I would be bones, and blood dripping onto the bathtub bottom, where no one would know I was until hours later of not caring anyway. I’m ugly, hopeless, hated, beneath everybody, full of depression, worthless. And it’s an unending void. I’m so sorry you have to deal with me. Thank you so much for doing so, and for giving me so much effort, and loving me. I am so sorry that you have to put up with me though, and my troubles. If I didn’t have the baggage that I do, I think I would be less sorry, but it’s not that easy. I feel empathetic towards you, because I don’t want to put you through harsh times, yet you grab my hand and lead the way, helping me through. Facing, even my troubles, head on. Thank you Beta. I love you. I am going to go, I can’t help but feel horrible, I guess. I might as well stop whining. Have a good night.
Love,
Cassidy.
