We had a guest speaker in class today talking to us about our senior year and our plans for after highschool. Honestly just thinking about it makes me nauseous and I seriously just want to throw up. Also I have a really bad procrastination habit and I'm way behind on my work and I have literally two days to catch up on everything and I feel like I'm drowning. I know it's my own fault but sometimes I just physically cannot bring myself to be productive. I feel like I could be doing better, more enjoyable things with my time. And, frankly, most of the time I simply don't care. I don't care, and that scares me. Especially when my grades start slipping and I have family members telling me that I need to suck it up and get my work done, and my father is telling me he doesn't think I'll be able to get all of my work done and in on time.
I don't even know what I want to do with my life yet. I really don't. And the thought of having to work to make myself a living literally scares me. Thinking about it has me shaking and I'm nearly in tears. I don't know why it scares me so much and I don't know why it gives such bad anxiety but it does and I don't know how to overcome it. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't even know who to ask for help.
And I'm being totally serious here. I don't know if I can handle working. two of my sisters have worked up at a local gas station/convenience store and have left to do their own things, and now the manager wants me to apply as soon as I turn 18. I was thinking about the offer and I started to think about all of the work that I'll have to do and I started imagining myself in the working scenario and my heart started racing and my hands started shaking and I couldn't breathe. I'm sick and tired of feeling like this. I know that someday I'll have to pick a job and, honestly, it's probably going to be a sucky job that I'm not happy with and I'll be miserable.
I'm just
I'm just so done with everything.
I don't want to do it anymore.
I'm done.
