I think I'm slipping. I really don't know what to do.
I just....
I've been crying off and on for about an hour and a half now. I've also been listening to some sad music, and it's really not helping.
I don't even know how to explain it- how to explain what I'm feeling.
I've been pushing people away, even though they may not realize it. There's this group chat I'm part of, and I used to be on it constantly. Now I rarely go on, even when they specifically tag me. They're all very nice people, and they're all super supportive and I love them to death, but I just can't bring myself to go on. They all have their own problems to deal with and just- ugh. I don't even know. And my boyfriend. I know he really cares about me but I feel like I've been pushing him away too. I feel like we haven't talked as much lately as we normally do. I feel very fragile around him. I just overthink things too much. I'm constantly worried over whether I've upset him, or how is mood is, among other things.
God, I can't even explain anything properly. I don't know what I'm saying. I also don't wanna go to far in my explanation, which may be part of my problem. I don't wanna say things that I shouldn't say.
Anyways. I've been doing a lot of overthinking lately. I've been thinking about my mom, my siblings, my father, and my life in general. Recently one of my sisters came into my room seeking comfort; she had been watching a show that reminded her of our mother, and she was crying and explaining her feelings to me. She wanted me to empathize with her. Honestly speaking, I couldn't. And I hate myself for it. It's my mother too. Why don't I feel the way my sister does? Why am I not sad? Part of me thinks that I'm just not capable of those feelings- a lot of feelings.
That's actually been happening a lot recently, and I really hate myself for it. I hate myself. I hate it. I hate when people come to me with problems, or come to me crying. And I hate myself for it. I feel burdened by them- by their problems, their crying. And that disgusts me about myself. I just always feel so helpless. They expect me to sympathize with them and give them advice, or just simply say I'm there for them. Of course I'll always be there for them. I want to be there for them. But I feel like I can't sympathize with them, or I feel hopeless because I can't do anything to help them. And that makes me feel like a horrible person because they all deserve so much better than me.
I don't even know if I'm making any sense at all. I don't know if I'm contradicting myself here.
Everything about my life has gone to shit and I don't know how to get myself out of this.
I just- ughhh. I don't even know. I don't know what else to say. Things keep coming to my head but I don't know how to put any of it into words. It's 5:30 in the morning now. I think I need sleep. Maybe I'll make another update when I wake up.
