I'm going to preface this by saying a couple of things you should know: I think I'm depressed. I think I've been depressed for a while. However, I don't really have anything to be depressed about. I have not been diagnosed with depression, and I haven't really told anyone I've been feeling this way. I remember a while back- like, a couple years ago or so- that some close family members kept asking me if I was depressed. This was around the time when some private family matters were wrecking havoc. I also remember telling them no each and every time they asked. At that point in time, I didn't believe I was depressed. I thought depression was feeling sad all the time, and I definitely was not sad.
Looking back on it now, I would say I was depressed. I felt absolutely nothing a majority of the time, I lost interest in all of the things that I used to love, my grades dropped dramatically in almost all of my classes, I was staying up until 7 AM and sleeping until 8 PM, and I was eating- at the most- 1 meal per day. I would spend most of my time watching Netflix, YouTube, Dramafever, and Crunchyroll.
Ever since I was in 4th grade, I was always writing. By the time I was in 6th grade, I was spending most of my time reading or writing. I even started roleplaying online and writing short character biographies. By the end of 7th grade, I was posting my stuff online. I'll admit, I feel like I've come a long way with my writing. I've gotten better with my grammar, and can make more elaborate sentences now.
However, ever since the family matter happened a couple years ago, I haven't been writing for my own pleasure. I feel like I can't. The only way I could write was if I got an assignment in school.
Anyways, I've gotten off topic. This wasn't supposed to be a tell-all about my depression.
The point of this journal entry was supposed to be about my wonderful day yesterday.
It started off like any other Saturday, really, but it ended so much better than I ever could have hoped for. The most of my Saturday was spent sitting on my couch with my laptop and watching some movies or shows online. Around 5 PM or so, my father gave me his card and let me walk up to the local Turkey Hill. Usually it doesn't doesn't take long to get there, 5 minutes at the most. We have to cross this big street to get to it. Well, I got there no problem, and I paid for some Milk Duds, sour gummy worms, and a Propel. When I got out, I was standing on the curb waiting to cross the street for at least ten minutes. The traffic was horrible. If it was clear one way, 20 cars were coming the other way. However, I couldn't bring myself to be upset or annoyed. So, I stood on that curb and listened to my music- I always listen to music through my earbuds when walking up to Turkey Hill- and quietly humming along. I even really enjoyed the continuous gentle breeze. I took my time walking back to the house after I finally managed to cross the street. When I got back, I gave my dad his card and the Milk Duds, and then I grabbed my pencil box and my two notebooks and headed back outside to sit on the front porch.
Now, anybody who knows me knows that this was a big deal. I never go outside to just sit. I'm always inside on my computer.
I was just feeling so good. I wasn't necessarily happy, I was just feeling... good. I wasn't feeling empty. I don't know if that makes sense? Well, anyways, I sat outside and enjoyed the breeze. I even wrote a little bit! It was by no means a lot, just a short little paragraph, but for me it was a huge accomplishment. Yesterday I felt better than I had in ages. I felt so good about myself. I spent hours outside, just listening to music and feeling the wind on my skin. I can't even properly describe just how amazing I felt yesterday. The closest I come to it is just repeating the phrase 'I just felt so good.' When I came back inside at about 8, I got back on my computer and I picked a random movie that sounded really interesting to me on Netflix.
This was also a really big deal to me, because it takes me literal years to finally decide to watch something, and if it doesn't immediately catch my attention I turn it off and spend even more literal years trying to convince myself to just pick something to put on. I have so many movies just sitting in my queue because, even though I read the description and they sound interesting to me, I can never bring myself to decide to watch it. (I'm the same way with stories here on Wattpad, by the way.)
Anyways, I went to bed feeling just as good.
I was going to post something like this yesterday, but I just never got around to it.
I hope I'm finally starting to get better.
Or, I at least hope I have more good days in the future.
A/N: Wow, I just wrote 900 words about this. This is my longest entry yet. Well, congrats, Mia. Updating your Journal at 1:30 AM because you can't sleep. Again.
Wait. I'm updating my Journal at 1:30 AM. Meaning it's past midnight. Meaning it's technically Monday. Meaning that 'yesterday' wasn't Saturday, but in fact Sunday.
Meh. I'm not going to change it. I haven't slept yet, so it's not 'tomorrow' yet.
My sleep schedule is so fucked.
