Paperboy. (h.s. au)

37.

After I set my phone down I sit on my bed and stare at the wall, my mouth slightly parted.

Immediately my mind starts to go into a frenzy. It's like a switch was flipped, and I'm suddenly not feeling okay anymore. I feel my previous joy drop at this feeling and lay back on my comforter. Perfect timing, I think, Just great, Robin.

My breaths shorten and I try to control them, focusing on the ceiling and breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

In for three, out for two. In, out. In, out.

I shake my head, thinking that maybe I can convince myself that I'm not losing my mind, that I do have a say in how I feel and when I feel it.

My mind rebels against me, taking flight with me hanging on the end of the launch. I shouldn't have told him I was awake and home still, I should have just ignored him and pretended I was sleeping. Now what? He comes over and wakes everyone up? Makes me do something I'm not comfortable doing? No. I have to tell him no.

Besides, what are we even going to do? I'm not even close to ready to take anything any farther. Frankly, I'm surprised I've made it this far. And compared to lots of other girls I've met or heard about, this isn't far at all. These are like baby steps. For a baby who doesn't even care to walk anytime soon. Maybe this particular baby doesn't even have legs to walk on.

I sigh and bring my hands up to my face, pressing my palms into my eyes. Can't I just pretend I didn't send that to him? I already saw him today, that's enough. Right?

Though, deep down, I know I could see him 24/7 and be okay with it. On a good day, that is.

I shove this thought behind the other bigger ones and squeeze my eyes shut again. My feet are tapping on the bedposts and my heartbeat accelerates.

Although I would love to see Harry again, I can't right now. I just can't. I'm not in a fit state to, obviously. I can't deal with this at this late hour of nine o'clock. I've got all night to fret over things that I come up with inside my head.

My phone buzzes again, it's Harry.

im outside love

Okay. I'll go outside, but I can't go anywhere with him. Not even into my house or down the street. I can't.

I briskly and "stealthily" walk down the stairs, tripping and falling into the wall on the last step. This somehow shoves me a little bit farther, and I feel tears start to sting in my eyes. I blink hard and fight them back.

I rest my forehead on the wall where I landed and sigh.

I pull myself back and fling open the door a few steps away. There stands Harry, down my steps and on the narrow sidewalk leading to the porch. Before he takes a step, I hop down the stairs and stop about three feet from him. I shove my hands into my hoodie pocket to hide their slight trembling. There's no way I can even talk to him tonight. I know I'll say something I'll regret. Maybe I can just slip back inside and pretend this never happened...

I've had bad nights before, but tonight is especially bad. For a while, most of my nights were in and all of them boarder line-bad. I would just stir in my head and sleep when I actually fell.

But this night feels like déjà vu. I've had days and nights like this. Usually, they're spent alone where I can ride out the wave of terror by myself, how I'm used to it. Like many days and nights before this, this one is bound to end badly, especially if I go out. Even if it is just with Harry.

But any time with Harry isn't just with Harry.

Pulling me out of my head, Harry speaks. "Hey there." He smirks and rocks back and forth on the heels of his old converse.