Dear Caroline

Chapter 6

I was too afraid to look back. Too afraid to face what has given me, this... pain. I knew well enough that the person standing behind me, was Xavier. I exchanged a glance with Beau who immediately came over. I stopped recording, then slowly turned around to meet Xavier's eyes. 

My heart stopped.

He looked terrible. His hair was completely bedraggled and messy. His face showed nothing but pain and distress. He looked at me helplessly, eyes just casting an image of innocence. I felt as if he would collapse at any moment,  but suprisingly he stayed on two feet. He didn't take his eyes off of mine. It was like we were reliving every moment we had together, in the utter silence of eachothers thoughts.

"I didn't know you would come." he finally said. I was speechless. I just looked at him. The color must've drained from my face because Beau took me by the waist.

"Caroline, are you okay?" he asked, then he switched his gaze over to Xavier. "And who's this?" Before I could answer, Xavier stretches out his long, muscular arm, and grins slightly.

"Xavier, Caroline's" he gulped, "Ex-boyfriend." he emphasized the 'Ex'. His face was full of hurt when he said that, he looked as if he was shaken a million times. Beau took his hand and shook firmly. He pulled away, then gently looked back over to me. I was in no form to talk to Xavier after everything that happened. Beau didn't wrap his arm around my waist, he just stood awkwardly.

"Who are you?" Xavier asked politely. 

"Beau- Beau Brooks." he said. Xavier nodded sheepishly, then looked at me, searching for some sort of information, then I managed to choke out.

"He's a friend." The words came out barely audible. They were shaky and nerve-stricken, and just uncontrolled. Xavier's face seemed to relax when I assured him there was no seriousness between me and Beau. 

"I came to talk with Caroline." He said firmly. I must've been white, because Beau almost said no. 

Almost.

"Okay, but be quick we need her to record a video." he said. I was praying for him not to say that, but it was too late. I was transferred into Xavier's realm. Back to all the memories. Back to the past.

--

There was a cafe right across the bridge from where I was filming Beau. It was quiet and peaceful, but with Xavier around me, I felt as if everything was haste. His first words came in small gasps.

"I didn't mean it. I-It wasn't what it looked like." I just stayed quiet until we were seated, far from any people. He ordered a cup of tea, and I wanted nothing but to be back home, alone, with my cat in my lap and chips beside me and just scroll through tumblr or twitter and forget about my terrible life and just imagine a new, amazing life just full of me and happy things. Xavier went on.

"She was a friend, she's gone. She moved, Caroline." the way he said my name wasn't sweet and caring anymore, it was stern and serious. So thick and unwanted, it was just painful to hear my name come out of his mouth. I just looked him softly in the eyes and said.

"No, it wasn't." I remember that night as if it happened yesterday. It was so clear. He had his hand glued to hers, laughing and grinning, then right in front of me while I was on my way to the mall, he pulled her into a long, passionate kiss. Smiling in between, and with heart and warmth. I was guessing that was what death felt like. Like everything inside you just flips and gives up. All your dreams of the future were just shattered into million shards of glass, so broken you could never put them back together. You just close your eyes, and everything that keeps you alive shuts down, and just goes away. It was what I felt, and now I feel as if I'm reliving it, again.

"You can't tell me you don't miss me." he said sternly, but his voice was slightly shaken. "I can see it." 

"You look awful." I blurted out, not meaning to say it. I was just so flustered, I didn't know what I was saying. He nodded, looking at me, eyes tearing.

"Without you, everything's awful. Please, Caroline. Haven't I shown you my love enough that you could trust me to not love another girl? I only loved you for as long as I could remember." 

"Stop lying to yourself." I said in return. Now, Caroline, Relax. Just let it go.

"I'm-I'm not." he said softly, his tone trapped with hurt. I met his gaze, his awful, awful gaze. It pierced through my heart like a million arrows. It was like he took scissors and cut every piece of my heart into ways that would be impossible to rebuild. He saw the hurt in my eyes, and I saw the pain in his.

"Caroline, I love you." he said. I shook my head.

"No, you don't." I said one last time, before standing, leaving 5 dollars on the table and storming out of the cafe. Beau was waiting right outside for me, and he knew better than to ask me to film. He took my hand and we walked straight to the car in utter, eerie silence. I got in, and just stared out the window for the ride home, crying.