Nightmares can't hurt you in real life

I dont understand

I don't understand myself, for many reasons. 1: Why am I depressed? There's nothing bad going around in my life. I have a loving family, amazing friends, and I do well in school. So why? Well, I guess I'm looking forward to knowing as much as anyone else is. 2: How doesn't it stay? It's like, whenever I'm alone or in a quiet place, or simply unbothered, I feel desolated. Why should I kill myself? How should I do it (bleach, rope)? What happens after death? What happens to your family? Or thoughts about cutting. What would happen if I cut? Would people notice and say things about it? Would anybody care? Would I try to hide the scars? I wouldn't know, because I don't cut. But I'm soon to find out.

Another thing I don't understand is my fears. I'm afraid of being murdered, and I'm afraid of being judged and hated. These only affect me in small ways; For being murdered, I won't be alone without carrying a knife, I refuse to showing in a empty house, I refuse to sleep in a empty house, I'm afraid of being alone, afraid of darkness, and I'm afraid of the outside world. This also leads to me being afraid of hotels. Think about it, housing with a bunch of strangers who could be plotting your death already. For judged and hated; i'm never myself. I always have to be a whole different person. And that usually wouldn't bother me, besides this fact; Its becoming a fulfilling lifetime activity. I recently got diagnosed with being bipolar, having anxiety, being schizophrenic (only a small portion, though) and having multiple personalities. So, this is the reason in extremely depressed! Because I'm a fucking freak who's judged by everyone and can barely act like themselves, because apparently they aren't good enough for social standards. Because they don't deserve. They don't deserve to have a happy ending. And so, they don't get one.