Housemates

Chapter 11

Mia stood there for a moment, looking at Ellie.

“I mean it,” Ellie said. “Come here.”

Mia shook her head.

Ellie reached out, and caught Mia’s hand. She had to grab twice, because Mia moved it away the first time.

“I want to,” Ellie said. “Please.”

“You really don’t need to.”

“I promised.”

Mia shook her head again.

“I did,” Ellie said. “I kind of did. By implication. And I should, anyway. Just to be fair.”

Mia thought for a moment, looking at Ellie, then shook her head a third time. “Nah,” she said. “Not right now. You’re a little too freaked out.”

“I’m not.”

Mia actually laughed. “Oh fuck you so are.”

“I…”

“You’re terrified. You’re about to run away or something.”

Ellie looked at Mia, defiant.

“You are,” Mia said, more gently. “You look scared. You look like you might turn around and try and climb that fence. You don’t need to do anything. Not right now, and not ever. I promise.”

“I can’t just…”

“You can just, exactly that. I wanted to do that with you. For you. I wasn’t asking you to do anything back.”

“It really doesn’t seem fair to you.”

“It’s really okay. I wanted to, I promise.”

“You liked it?” Ellie said.

Mia looked at Ellie for a moment. “Yeah,” she said. “I did.”

Ellie nodded.

“So we’re good?” Mia said.

Ellie didn’t know what to think, or what to say, or what was fair and right. Mia was probably making sense, though. Ellie was nervous. She’d been feeling quite worried about what she’d just offered to do, even though she thought wanted to do it.

She mostly thought she wanted to do it.

She was nervous. She was unsure what all this meant about herself, and anxious about not being good enough for Mia when she did.

She wasn’t completely sure how far she wanted this to go.

Kissing was one thing. Kissing was good.

Kissing Mia was better than kissing anyone Ellie had ever kissed before. Ellie hadn’t quite thought about that until right then, but it was. Ellie wondered why. The only reason she could think of, offhand, was that Mia just kissed well. Or that girls did. Perhaps girls just kissed better, and somehow Ellie had never known.

Mia kissed well, but that wasn’t really the point.

Kissing was good, but kissing wasn’t putting her hand inside Mia’s undies, or inside Mia, and it definitely wasn’t going down on Mia, or any of the other things Ellie half-thought she ought to be doing.

She thought she wanted to be doing some of those things, with her hand at least. She was almost certain she wanted to, but not completely sure.

She probably ought to be sure, she thought, before she did.

“Yeah,” Mia said, watching Ellie carefully. “I think you understand.”

“How do you mean?”

“Don’t push yourself more than you’re okay with. No-one’s making you do anything.”

“You’re not making me.”

“Yeah, I’m not.”

Ellie stood there for a moment. “It’s like all the shit I felt right before the first time I had sex,” she said. “Everything from then. All nervous and unsure. Everything I thought was over and done with forever. And now it’s back.”

Mia was grinning at her.

“Because of you I get to feel all that, all over again,” Ellie said. “You know that, right?”

“Sorry,” Mia said, not sound sorry at all.

“Yay,” Ellie said. “Just fucking yay. Thank you for that.”

Mia took one of Ellie’s hands, and kissed it.

Ellie jumped. She hadn’t realized Mia was going to. “What’s that for?” she said.

“You’re sweet,” Mia said, and kept holding onto Ellie’s hand. “You’re really sweet to think what you are, and to worry so much about being fair.”

Mia kept looking at her, and Ellie nodded.

Then just stood there.

“Okay,” Ellie said, unsure where they’d got to with the conversation. “So. What does that mean?”

“It means no. I means, no, I don’t think so. I don’t think I want to with you, not right now.”

Ellie stood there for a moment, almost surprised. Almost offended. She was being turned down, after she’d thought so hard and finally decided to make that offer.

She opened her mouth.

“No,” Mia said, and let go of Ellie’s hand. “I’m saying no. Deal with it.”

Ellie looked at Mia a moment longer, then decided not to push too hard. She didn’t think she actually wanted to change Mia’s mind. She shrugged, and fiddled with her hair instead. Got it back into a pony-tail, tidying it where Mia had pulled some loose.

“I made your top wet,” Ellie said, after a moment. Just for something to say.

Mia looked down, and rubbed at the damp mark on herself. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Sorry.”

“Me too. For spilling it on you in the first place.”

“So we’re done?” Ellie said, not sure how long they should keep standing here, looking at each other. “We should go?”

Mia grinned. “Whenever you like. Stay here a bit if you want. It’s a nice day.”

Ellie decided to ignore Mia trying to be funny. She’d been getting a fair bit of that lately. She shrugged again, meaning she didn’t care when they left. Because she didn’t care. If it was just sex between them, not any sort of emotional attachment, which it seemed to be, then obviously, if they weren’t having any more sex right now, they might as well stop standing around doing nothing.

“Now?” Ellie said.

Mia nodded, and picked up her shopping, and looked around, working out how to get back.

“That way,” she said. “I think.”

They started walking.