Housemates

Chapter 119

Mia didn’t answer. She didn’t say a thing. Her hand didn’t stop moving on Ellie’s leg. She didn’t speak for so long that despite herself, Ellie had to ask.

“Are you going to say something?” Ellie said.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Thank you?” Ellie said. “Maybe? Or that you do too?”

“A crush?” Mia said.

Ellie kept looking at her.

“If it’s a crush,” Mia said. “Then me too. You know I have. I’ve had one all along.”

Ellie swallowed. She slowly rubbed herself. Her breathing seemed to have gone strange.

“Is it a crush?” Mia said. “Is that all it is?”

“It’s not a crush,” Ellie said.

“So say what you mean.”

“I might be in love with you.”

There was a silence. It felt like a silence which ought to be a bigger. It felt like this should matter more, and should make the world utterly still. Instead, even though Mia was quiet, there was traffic outside and a plane somewhere in the sky. And a faint noise of moving cloth, from Ellie’s arm, and of skin sliding on skin as Mia kept stroking Ellie’s leg as if she didn’t dare stop.

Mia stroked, and kept looking at Ellie, and Ellie kept rubbing herself too.

And Mia didn’t say a thing. She just looked at Ellie and touched her, as if sex was the biggest, most important thing happening right now.

“Did you hear me?” Ellie said.

“Yeah,” Mia said, after a while. “I think I already knew.”

“Oh,” Ellie said, and felt utterly lost.

She didn’t know what should happen next. Mia didn’t care, and it seemed too much to bear. Ellie suddenly didn’t think they could keep having friend-sex after this. She didn’t think she could keep having sex at all. She suddenly wasn’t horny. She was just scared and sad.

Her hand stopped moving. It stopped mostly by itself. Mia’s hand went still too. Ellie slid hers out of her underwear, and out from underneath her skirt. She brushed down her skirt, and pushed at Mia’s hand as she did. Mia didn’t seem to want to move hers, so Ellie pushed again. She pushed, quite roughly, until Mia took her hand away.

Ellie was ready to give up. To stop, and leave, and never see Mia again. She couldn’t see a way back from this.

“So?” Ellie said. “Say something.”

“So nothing,” Mia said. “You do. Me too.”

Ellie couldn’t think. She wasn’t sure what she’d heard. Mia couldn’t have said what she’d just said, because Mia only wanted them to be casual.

Ellie knelt there, thinking, looking carefully at Mia’s face. Mia’s face didn’t help. It was just Mia, looking back at her, not revealing especially much. Ellie’s knees hurt. Her thighs were starting to ache. She sat down, sat backwards onto her feet.

She looked at Mia, and thought, and then, very carefully, very precisely, she said, “What did you just say?”

“You heard me.”

“I know. But say it again so I’m sure. So I don’t say something stupid and end up feeling like a dick.”

“You do,” Mia said. “I know. It’s obvious. And I do too.”

“You do?”

“Yep.”

“You actually, honestly do?”

“Ah, yeah,” Mia said, as if she was surprised. “Of course.”

Ellie wanted to hug Mia. Or strangle her. Or both. “What do you mean of course?” she said.

“Isn’t that obvious too?”

“No,” Ellie said, carefully. “Actually no.”

“Oh,” Mia said, then, “I told you I wasn’t good at this stuff.”

“This isn’t not good. This is a totally fucking catastrophic.”

Mia shrugged.

“Wait,” Ellie said, suddenly unsure. “What do we mean by do?” She suddenly wasn’t completely sure exactly what they’d just said. “What are we saying about you do?” she said. “That you’re falling for me?”

Mia shrugged again. “Yeah.”

“That you’re in love with me?”

“I guess.”

“Were you actually going to mention that sometime?”

“Nope,” Mia said. “Probably not.”

“Fuck,” Ellie said. “Fuck fuck. Just fuck. Why not?”

“What good would it do?”

“I might feel the same.”

“Yeah,” Mia said. “Last time I heard you didn’t want any of that. Just sex.”

“What?” Ellie said, actually getting annoyed. “That was you who wanted that. I just agreed.”

“Yeah,” Mia said. “You agreed. You didn’t argue. How was I supposed to know.”

Ellie looked at her and decided that almost made sense.

“Also,” Mia said. “Last time I heard you weren’t into women. There’s that, too.”

“Yeah,” Ellie said.

“Are you?’

Ellie sat there for a while. “I don’t think so.”

“So yeah. That’s kind of a thing.”

“Not really.”

“How’s that?”

“I’m not into women. I’m in love you with. And I don’t really see what those have to do with each other.”

“Um,” Mia said. “A little bit.”

“Says you. I say not.”

Mia was looking at Ellie.

“So it seems like you could make a thing or that,” Ellie said. “Or just go with it. Kind of your choice.”

Mia started to grin.

“Well?” Ellie said.

“Just go with it, I guess.” Mia said.

“Good,” Ellie said.

She sat there for a moment, thinking. She was shattered and lost and confused, and desperately happy. And still not completely sure if they’d agreed to anything or not.