But to show you what i am struggling with i made a list with the things and explanation.
My dad:
My dad has schizophrenia, which is very hard for me.. i love him with all my heart dont get me wrong but it is hard a times. He is a man who hold all of his emotion inside , he will suffer alone on the inside. In the past the voices in his head were so bad.. .. He was in the car with my brother on the high way.. my brother was around 6 at the time that would make me 3 years old.
the voices were saying things like"kill yourself" "you are not worth living" "turn the wheel and driving agains this truck" "your son isnt safe with is mother" "you are worthless"
But he couldn't turn his wheel.. he had a brighter voice in his head that said "dont do it , i love you" And he believes it was God.. i do to.
I really love my dad but it is hard, trying to life with someone who isnt always on the earth your living on. Sometimes he is physical here but not mentally, you can tell him a whole story without him replaying ,, he will just stare in to the distance. And sometimes that can be really scary, you never know when he will come in to a psychosis.
My stepmom:
She is really a sweet woman , but i can shoot her at time. She can say things in a really fucked up mean way. I believe she has the best intentions and the best meaning, but damn it comes really fucked up out of her.
My brother:
My brother has autism and that it self is also challenging. He also has an interest in boys, which is completely fine, but he also want to change himself as in he is transgender. And the reason i find this hard i because in my head God made you the way you are. And i think the change it self is also quite hard. I love him and i always will, but it is strange. If i look at it from his side.. if he is happy then i am happy to wheter he is a boy or a girl.
My appearance:
I dont always like the way i look. I always find someone more prettier , or more appealing than me. And i know i am a teenagers so it is obvious that i feel this way so , lets not go further in on this subject :P.
School:
I am worried about school because i am not sure i can do it. I really like it though i am doing veterinary assistant, and it is really what i want. But i dont know if am good enough for it.
And also i feel really alone in school. I am hanging out with a few people, but i rather stay alone. It feels like the 4th class of high school again , i really felt alone back then. I had friends and people i hung out with. But i didnt had my best friend. Just like now.. I feel really pathetic to admit it but damn i need her. And know i dont have her in class anymore i just really feel alone.
Soccer:
So i am playing soccer.. I am not that good but i just like to play.. In my team i really dont have a spot. I also feel really alone there, all the other girls have friends and i am just alone. And i find it hard to mix with them because they are totally different than me, and thats okay but it is hard.
