Pink princess

F O U R T E E N

All the pain you tried to hide it shows through your mascara lines, that are streaming from your eyes.
Maroon 5 - beautiful goodbye ( this song is perfect)
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I was over thinking, sleep was calling my name yet I ouldn't find it in me to actually sleep. What if's were the only thoughts in my head at the moment, aside from of course that one night, I don't think I'd ever be able to get that night out of my head. It was nearly 3am and I had laid down in my bed to "sleep" about 4 hours ago. I was just staring at the ceiling, the glow in the dark stars I put up there shining, as if they were actual stars. I missed my home, here in Los Angeles it was hard to catch any stars. Back in Perth you could see all the stars. I was feeling very nostalgic, every little thing reminded me of "home". I couldn't even call it that anymore, yet after what happened to me I didn't want to call L.A my home. Maybe I'm stalling, because I know if I sleep I'll have nightmares, I know I'll end up waking Connor from his deep slumber, and I'd be a burden.

Sleep didn't seem that bad though, because the 3am thoughts weren't very safe either. The constant reminder that I was a nobody, in this world of billions of people I was just one. A small person not even a thousand people knew about. How is that? So then technically no one would miss me, the world doesn't revolve around me I'm just one person out of the many, many people who occupy this world. Granted a couple people will cry, but they'll get over it. I've seen people grief after loosing a loved one. It hurts, the pain seems never ending for a while, then slowly as time passes it lessens and you realize you'll have to get over it. Do I want to leave this world without actually being someone though? And do I want to hurt those very few people that have taken time out of their lives to befriend me.

Eventually moments later fatigue kicks in. The tirednessI feel overcomes whatever though are going through my head because I end up passing out.
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I didn't want to get up the next morning, I don't understand what it is, just the day before I was so extremely happy. So why is it that now all I want to do is sleep, sleep and never wake up. Have the nightmares frighten me so much I end up dying. They're scary thoughts for sure, yet they come by so often I'm not scared anymore just only comforted by them, and how much I want it to happen.

Maybe its the lack of having a certain someone, with light Carmel coloured hair and green irises next to me. I didn't believe that though, I'm not, nor could be that attached to someone so soon. It took me ages to tell Tyler why and how I ended up in L.A. I only had known Connor for a couple weeks and the world's were just tumbling past my lips. There was absolutely no barrier, they were just flowing out just like my tears were. So yeah, maybe I was attached to Connor and maybe his sweet words and perfect personality were the reason I wanted to survive this world but could you blame me. He was just so easy to get along with and I needed to have him.

It drained me of all my energy but after a battle between me and my head I got out of bed (Lmao flames fabs) it was a slow process of taking small steps to my bathroom to brush my teeth then to go into the kitchen and see what I wanted for breakfast. It was easy considering I still hadn't re-stocked my fridge and the only thing I had was cereal and milk. I went to my couch and watched orange is the new black white eating my honey bunches of oats.

My morning from 10-1 ended up that way. Just sitting on my couch in an awkward position catching up on all my shows. I hadn't even taken a shower seeing ads getting up from this spot on he couch seemed way to bothersome. I needed a day where I just didn't do anything. My boss who's name I learned was Emily called MD and told me she couldn't meet up today so it had to be tomorrow. I was more than happy to hear that because today just wasn't my day.

I was in the middle of searching my cabinets for some food when a bottle with and only colour of liquid caught my eye. So being a normal human being I picked it up, Jack Daniels. Ah whiskey, I was in luck today. Just what I needed to numb myself. Get wasted in the comfort of my own home.