The Girl With The Yellow Umbrella

t h i r t e e n

February 15th, 2007
Jason

The school cafeteria.

The center of the school's biggest events. From fights to gossip, it always seems to happen right here. Maybe it's because it's the one period that most of the school's population is in one common room.

Yeah, that makes sense.

"Jasy!" I heard her yell my name before she trampled all over me. I was sitting in my common table, the popular table. The table no one would dare near if they weren't known for their looks or riches or sports.

Victoria annoyed me so much, her breath practically ran down my neck but I ignored it. I ignored it because I had to act a certain way and I should never act any other way.

"Yo Jason, you coming to the party this Friday? Heard it's going to be fucking epic," Troy said across the table. That's what they say about every single party ever and it's never like that. It's always the same. The same booze, the same people, the same sluts, the same ignorant assholes, the same sex. What's the point of even going?

"Yeah, sure, I'll go."

I want to blame high school, most people do. I want to blame it for the feeling I get in my chest everyday, that feeling that something heavy is pressing on me, killing me slowly. I want to blame it for making me bottle up everything I ever feel or think. I want to blame it for all the shit I've ever had to do just so that I wouldn't be that weird kid sitting next to the trash in the cafeteria.

But I can't. I won't.

Everyone wants to blame the high school as if it's the breeding ground for all of the teenager's problems. But I'll tell you the horrible secret about society, almost every social structure you'll participate in will mimic high school. So perhaps we should just stop blaming the institution itself and start looking at the humans inside the building.

"Jasy, did you hear what I was saying?" Victoria asked in her very high pitched voice.

"Uh, yeah, yeah," I lied. To be bluntly honest, I never listen to her.

She had an annoyed expression on her face, as if I was the one that was being annoying and talkative and a complete bitch. "Well, I was saying that I bought so much makeup yesterday. I'm going to look so freaking good in the party. All the girls are gonna get jealous."

"Maybe you should eat makeup so you can be pretty on the inside." It came out before I could even think. Everyone in the table seemed to have shocked looks and their attention were solely on Victoria and I.

Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit.

There was very long break, a pause you could call. In that pause I could see my whole life pass by me. Me being bullied even though I looked this good, people finding out my attraction for men, my popularity decreasing until there is nothing left there but dust.

"Oh, he's only joking guys!" Victoria said after a while. Her voice seemed higher than usual. I knew that she was lying to save her ass. Did she really have no self respect whatsoever?

"I'm gonna go now," I decided that I didn't want to sit in that table anymore let alone have to sit with idiotic Victoria. I knew if I stayed there any longer, I would probably do something else I'm going to regret even more.

I got off my seat and strolled down the cafeteria, feeling a bit more at peace since I was alone but also feeling truly disappointed in myself for being such a coward. Before I could even open the double doors, I felt someone grab me by my shoulder and turn me around forcefully.

It was Troy of course, my used to be best friend but now he's fake and I hate him. Yet, everyone thinks he's still my best friend. I guess it's all apart of that stupid perfect picture people see us as. The popular group, the beautiful of the school, the richest in the school, the coolest in the school.

"What the hell are you doing man?!" he said in a loud booming voice. He didn't even have to tell me, I knew I embarrassed him which still doesn't make sense to me because what I do has nothing to do with him.

"I have to go. I...left something in my last class."

"Stop shitting with me. Go back there and at least act like your all lovey dovey with Victoria. You don't want people thinking you're some type of fag, remember." I felt like my head was pounding, I couldn't take this anymore. The anger in me was penetrating, intoxicating. I wanted to be normal, to not have to worry about people finding about my secret.

"Is this all just popularity for you? Is that really all you care about nowadays?!" It was hard to believe that the guy standing in front of me used to be the closest friend I could ever have . It was hard to imagine a lot of things lately. "Popularity means nothing! In the real world no one gives a shit if you had a 1000 friends in high school or just one. No one cares if you were the smartest kid in school or the dumbest. They only care about your fucking personality and right now, yours is complete crap!"

Suddenly, he passed us.

He walked next to Troy and I. I just couldn't take it anymore. Before I could really think about what I was doing, I took the boy from his collar and pushed him against the cafeteria wall.

I didn't remember much, just punch after punch and lots of blood. I punched the poor and weak kid because I loved him. I loved him so much it hurt and I didn't want to. I didn't want to be gay, I didn't want to like a boy.

I beat up Blake, the nerdy yet cute Blake. And everyone huddled around us and cheered on for me. They cheered me on for fighting with the gay nerd. They cheered for the violence I was causing this kid for no good reason.

What they didn't see was the tears escaping my eyes. I couldn't control myself, I just had to hit something. And yet I chose to hit the man I loved, the man that didn't know me that well. I blamed highschool and Blake for what I am, yet I knew.

I knew deep inside that I was the only one to blame.

Popularity, huh? Maybe it's more important to me than I let on.