Kinda hard to not mention school. How I spent much of my life in the advanced learning classes, up until my grandpa passed. It was horrible for the family and we all took it so hard.
Life on the Ave was never going to be the same again. My Mom's new boyfriend eventually became her fiance' and then my Step-dad. I already had a Step-mom who I didn't know too well and now this...
There was way too much turbulence in the house with him around; it was like Satan had gotten off his belly somehow and took on the form of a man. Can't lie , there were days when he was so nice, but all that was going on at home just turned out to be a huge mess in our lives.
I began drinking everyday and my attendance in school suffered. I was already an avid chronic smoker since 13.I added drinking to my regime by the time I was in high school and I had lost much of my natural ambition. The only things that seemed to bring me happiness was drinking, partying and dressing nice. Everything else was like I was just going along with it because I was there and it kept my mind occupied, but in my heart I enjoyed being occupied. People around me saw me still as a good person, but my mind wasn't nowhere near happy, or rather that I was being overwhelmed by the environment to the extent that I couldn't take much more.
Now my social habits were not sparked by my home-life, I just wanted to, however I began to use my habits to give me a reason to stay away from the home environment. I wasn't trying to fit in because people liked me already, wasn't trying to be an outcast, but just for some reason enjoyed my social life and saw nothing wrong with it. At that time I just didn't want to be disturbed and wanted to enjoy myself.
We had found out that my Mom had a terminal form of Cancer. Then I truly hated life... So I moved back to my grandparents house and tried to cut out my bad habits, but I had convinced myself that my habits were helping me cope.
Eventually they married and we moved to another house, which I loved and hated at the same time.
The school was tired of my outrageous circumstances and gave me the option to Drop-Out or be legally signed out. So I asked my Mom to sign me out. I had to quit my job and stay home, because in the next few months, I'd have to go live in Fort Dix for half a year.
Mentally I was stressed out to full capacity but my optimism had returned. I had to leave modeling, singing and work behind, but what was killing me inside was that the month I left for school in Fort Dix was the same month of which my Mom's terminal illness was estimated to expire her life.
Everyday was hell on earth because I thought I'd get a call saying she'd passed; I wouldn't be there. It hurt to know that these were the last days of her life and I wasn't there.
During that time I became more interested in the Holy Bible and in between my objective motives to relax and accept life as I usually thought, I had planned to become closer to God. I knew at that time that God was going to be the only one to understand me from that point, even though my mom and grandma had told me many times before that He would be all I need in life. It worked and that's when I realized my ancestors being Hebrew Israelites, I had been answered my prayer to rekindle me to God and humble me once again.
Glad to say that she survived to see me , her last child and only daughter graduate. However, when I came back I was ready to get back to my old ways because that familiar environment had overwhelmed me once more.
She and I had already talked also my Mentor about me going to school for cosmetology. When I first started high school I wanted that elective , but the class filled so fast, so since this time around I was a graduate, the high school accepted me back to study full time as a cosmetologist. My mom wanted me to fulfill my dream to be a Hairstylist and one day open a shop.
I had been home for two weeks, gotten into trouble, but managed to start my new studies. Two weeks after I started my class she passed; the same day I had my first test. I was walking to the hospital to tell her I got an A+ on my first test, but felt her spirit walking with me. I could feel this emptiness that has not been refilled even to this day.
Made it to the hospital and I knew it. Getting off the elevator, I saw my two aunts, her little sisters and they were crying. One said, "She passed..." I couldn't believe them, because she was getting better, she had come out of her coma. It just felt like a really bad prank, but when I made it to the room after realizing that they never cry...it struck me. One of my brothers was pacing and the other in her room next to her. I joined him and even though we thought she'd fight longer, she'd taken the chance to be at peace. Sitting next to her I held her hand, she was still warm, except her feet . I said, "She's cold..." her face had a crystallized tear that dried down her face. That's when I realized what real pain felt like. I saw my other aunt who was from my other side of the family, driving out of the lot when I was looking out of the window. She worked there and had visited my Mom while she was there too.
At the funeral I couldn't cry a tear, I was not understanding my life. I had to make sure she was nice prior to her wake and when I walked in I told the Funeral Director , "That's not my Mom." At least I was trying to further convince myself inside that this wasn't happening. That's the worst pain I'd ever feel in my life.
Needless to say, at age 16 I had my Permit almost under my belt and by June I was already 17 and had my State License as a driver and cosmetologist.
Those days of studying was so hard for me because when I wanted to go talk to my Mom, I couldn't. Except I'd go to her burial site. It was crazy for almost two whole years, I would think I saw her, I used to think I heard her voice in a crowd of people. It was weird then... she was and still is in my dreams.
Losing her isn't baggage, not in the least, but my school life was. Though many were on the outside looking in and didn't know the challenges I faced in my at -home life. This book can't even hold all my stories. My pals I partied with didn't know details, they just knew I didn't want to be home. Certain things I'd talk about, but nothing major and for the most part rumors that were going around,but at that time I could care less about lies.
Really glad I had a chance to face my challenges and get back to putting my best foot forward.
For a long time I wondered if leaving behind things that helped make me stronger was worth doing.
I am not going through those things anymore, that is in the past and have been blessed to move on and have a better life since those school days.
