Won't Give Up [Book 4]

June 25th

June 25th

Hey... So...
It's Snotlout.
Yeah... Not really what you would expect.
Astrid was having a rough night.
You had a rough night.
Your blood pressure was going down.
Your heart almost stopped again.
I wasn't sure what to think.

But seeing you here, not moving, not talking, it hit me how real this really is.
Astrid told me about how you wrote in this journal.
I know it's snooping, but she found a really recent one. It was a month before the accident.
No, not the first one.

The entry said how you still felt really lost... How you still felt out of place.
I think most of it is my fault.
And I... Um... I know that... Um... You may not be able to read this, but I am really sorry for the way I treated you.
You don't deserve it.

I don't know why I did it. My reasons now seem really petty and stupid.
I think it was for the attention. Even if it wasn't positive attention, it was still attention. I didn't care.
And I didn't realize what I was doing was hurting someone else so much in the process.

Astrid had told me - rather reluctantly - what you considering doing a few years ago. I didn't realize what I was doing made you think that you felt like you had no way out. That your only way out was... Was to...
That you would rather... die... Rather then be here.

We all know that you a forgiving person. But what I did, I don't see it to be forgivable.
And know, I now we didn't always see eye to eye, but I wish I could take back all that I did to you.
I can't even tell you personally that I am sorry. Even writing it down, it doesn't feel right.

There is something else. After the incident last night, the doctors pulled me out to talk. I was here with Astrid but she refused to leave your side.
The doctors side that your organs aren't healing fast enough. Which will lead to organ failure.
It took awhile for me to process. They said that now it is up to you.

A thought came to my mind yesterday after what the doctor told me.
But I know that if I do it, I can't back out on it. And I may be considered the biggest douchebag ever.
But seeing you like this, I realized how much you really are going through.
I don't know if letting you getting in one way or another will help in the run.

Just know that if I do follow through with this, just know that I am doing it for you.
I don't want you to suffer anymore of this harsh world.

If for some reason you are able to read this...
I want you to kn-