The will of a depression

#3

Slowly but then all at once I felt in love with him. Not only for the way he looks, but for his soul. He is so natural and pure. Every day, every hour, every second I got to spend with him, he showed me a little bit more of his soul. We had so much fun together, we even created our own little inside jokes but also just sitting next to each other without speaking made me feel comfortable. And every time he kissed me, I fell in love a little more, until I couldn't imagine a life without him anymore. He let me enter his mind, like no other person had ever done before. Even though he let me in, I had a lot of difficulty with showing him my deeper side. But as I got to know him better, I found another non expected part of him, which was a part I recognized from myself. It was the side I never wanted to found, the side I never wanted him to have, because he was like the most amazing and loveliest person I ever met. It was depression.
But it made more sense after a while. Sometimes he fell silent, out of nowhere and stared at something. I never asked what he was thinking of, because I never really wondered about it. Ever since I found out Caleb was depressed too, I started thinking about myself. Should I tell him about my past? I knew he had every right to know, but I just couldn't. It was too hard for me to tell him about my past, about all my doctor appointments, intakes and attempts, until he asked me about it. "But Ruth, what about your past?" For this time I fell silent immediately after he asked the question.
I started to stutter. "Well, I just...... I ....... I just.." I started crying and felt like a dam coward. While I was sobbing in his t-shirt I said; "I'm so sorry babe, I just can't." It took Caleb a while to cheer me up and make me believe it was okay to cry in front of him and it was okay not to tell him. He said; "Take your time, darling. I know talking is harder than keeping your mouth shut, biting your tongue and take care of your problems and shit yourself. You know I have experienced it as well." So we just kept on living, like this moment never happened.