Infinite, Sometimes

4

   The course introduction had started and the class was being told of expectations and grading processes while Ellen repeatedly poked the back of Ryan's hand with her pencil. Her attempts at making him leave his fingers alone only made him glare at her, but he knew she meant well and he had learned to expect her to be persistent. Ryan knew better than to doubt his friends' dedication to him. The first couple years that Spencer and Ellen had been dating was a time of realization for Ryan. He had found out that there were, in fact, people who simply refused to give up on him. Ryan was glad it had happened even if he had been miserable for quite a while. The hope he had received from others had given him hope for himself.

Spencer and Ellen had started dating in seventh grade, around the time that relationships moved beyond the "I like you" trend of age eight. The three of them had grown up in the same area and could not recall a time when they did not know each other. As children, they were friends. Not boys, not girls, not young or old or different—they were happy. Something changed when Spencer and Ellen fell in love. The change was not necessarily on their end, but it was Ryan. Ryan was afraid. The couple continued on as if nothing had changed, showing affection when they were alone and leaving some distance between themselves when Ryan was around. The two of them were not bothered by this and they enjoyed their time together as friends.

Ryan, however, saw their distance as a result of his presence. He developed a sense of guilt for keeping them away from each other, afraid to lose his friends but more afraid of causing them to fall apart. He started to pull himself away altogether while deciding to spend all of his time glued to his computer, many evenings spent answering concerned emails from Spencer to try to convince his friend that everything was fine. Within a year, this had developed into an addiction that he was still unable to overcome. His computer was his closest friend, a condition that never really went away. It was a mask and an outlet and an endless source of faceless words on a screen that allowed him to make connections but still stay just far enough away to avoid getting hurt. Through this, Spencer and Ellen never gave up. They never stopped the phone calls, never stopped trying to convince Ryan to be with them. His reaction was usually distant. Sometimes they talked him into leaving his bedroom, and these encounters usually ended with a tearful Ryan begging the couple to leave him behind and spend time with each other. It was too hard at times, but they never gave up on trying to include their fragile friend.

This went on for two years before Ryan realized that his friends needed him as much as he needed them. They didn't like that they were only really spending time with him on the nights that he was unable to stay in his own home with his father. These nights normally resulted in Ellen needing to find herself a ride home, usually Spencer's mother, while Spencer stayed home and tended to his friend. However, Ellen never left before she spent time with Ryan on her own. It gave Spencer time to prepare for a potential night of only two or three hours of sleep. Ellen would sit with Ryan and hold ice to bruises while he cried and made it clear how badly he wanted his father back. Sometimes she and Spencer would lay on either side of Ryan and just watch the ceiling and they would help him wake up and adjust if he happened to fall into one of his paralyzing dreams. They loved him not because he was too vulnerable to turn away but because he was the most important person in their lives. Having Ryan seek safety in their company never bothered them, contrary to what Ryan always thought, and they never debated when the decision was made to take their arms away from each other and give them to Ryan. Many romantic moments between the young couple were interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell, taken as a sign that they needed to focus their attention on someone who needed it more that they did.

As guilty as Ryan felt for bothering his friends several nights a week, he still loved what he got from them. Sweet cologne dominated his senses when Spencer held him close and he could smell it on Ellen's clothes when he was in her arms. Spencer would stay awake with Ryan long after Ellen had gone home. Ryan always apologized for making her leave and Spencer never stopped telling him that it was not his fault. After a while, Ryan was not only apologizing because of his incredible guilt, but he apologized because it made his friend say the three words he always needed to hear—"We love you."