Infinite, Sometimes

19

From: "Spence" <OMGitzSpenz@mail.com>
RE: hi
Date: Today, 2:53 am
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you. hey. listen.
We love you to death, you know that? I called Ellen when I saw this and we read it together so I'm kinda replying for her so she doesn't piss her mom off by sitting here at damn near 2 in the morning. Sorry it's taken me so long to respond but we read it and talked for a while so I'm just now getting to it, but knowing how you are, you'll get it soon enough. You and your computer, I swear, I could sell your lungs on ebay and you'd be fine as long as you had your computer.
Anyways. So. You seem scared, and we want you to know that you shouldn't be. Just so you know, we believe that you're okay. I know how you are when you're truly not okay, and I don't see that in you right now. I do think things are getting better with your dad, slowly but surely, and I thought it was awesome with dinner tonight and everything. I want to see him get better just as much as you do. Don't forget about all the stuff he used to do with me and you when we were little. He was like my second dad or something, really. I know you don't like talking about him, so I'll stop. Just had to get that out there.
So anyway. I read your conversation with Bren, and I'm kind of at a loss. But I'll try here. I definitely see why you're so scared, but El and I both want you to know that you're doing just fine. The things you guys said to each other were perfect, really, and honestly? We love you, Ry, but I can tell that Brendon can offer you a lot more than we ever can. That doesn't mean we are leaving you or want you to choose him over us. It just means that there are two different relationships here: you and us, and you and Brendon. Maybe neither of them are extremely different, but you and Bren are much more like me and Ellen than you are like me and you, if that makes any sense. That's the truth as I see it, and I hope it doesn't scare you. I won't say any more about it unless you do because I do not want to run your life... you're my friend, and I love you enough to let you decide things on your own, as long as you are not hurting yourself. The fact that you are wanting to do this right just shows me that you're not hurting yourself.
I'm glad you know that you have a date for the dance. It's only part of what I want to hear from you, but again, I am staying out of it. I'm still here, watching, ready to act if something goes wrong, but I trust you with this. You're the best kid I know, Ryan, and Brendon is right up there too. You two fit together and I'm glad the four of us can stick together now. The reason we didn't introduce you two earlier was because we didn't think you needed a ton of people or any huge change... sure, call me a mom, but I was just trying to look out for you. Things were so hard for you for so long and the only constant thing that you had was me and Ellen, so we decided to not complicate things further and start to bring our outside lives into yours. We were just trying to keep you going, and I was almost afraid that if we ever talked about other friends, you'd think you were being replaced. I'm sorry if this makes you mad or whatever, but just know that I regret not letting you know about him. You two are right — you would have been able to help each other a lot and I feel bad for never noticing that Bren was very unhappy. But you're together now, and that's all that should really matter. Just focus on that for a while... it's clear that he needs you terribly, and since you're better now, I trust you with this. I don't know what I did right, but whatever I did, just do it for him. El and me are gonna be here for whatever you need though, okay? We seriously love you and just because you need to handle things like this on your own doesn't mean your friends have to leave you.
I should say more but this has been almost an hour of me sitting here with my eyes getting blurry while I try to put everything into words without being too insensitive because I know how you are with this situation. You care a lot, and I need to not be pushy. Lesson learned, and I'm still sorry about earlier. But just one more thing before I go claim my three hours of sleep.
That last thing you said to Bren? Well, you said it after he was gone, but yeah. Make sure he sees it next time. He needs to hear it... just read over that conversation again if you need to... it's clear that he wants to hear that from you. Just a suggestion, though... like you said, you'll do whatever feels right. But neither of you should be alone. You're both too good for that.
Ryan is not crazy.
-OMGspensah