This is the Last Time [ BELLDOM AU ] [ COMPLETED ]

4//

For over a month now I have been attending group therapy sessions at the clinic and it seems to be doing nothing for my health. All the feelings that I have tried to suppress for so long are not fading away and they are starting to hurt. The voices make my ears ring and they will surely start to bleed soon. The figures are burning the outside of my eyes and making them become bloodshot. The pinches are causing small open wounds along my arms and legs and on the scars that I have made myself.

The group leader says to be open with everyone and that's what most people who take the payed session seriously do, but others, like myself, don't like to let our inner self free to be examined and scrutinised by others. I have had a fear that if I tell people about the things that go on in my head then they'll treat me differently or put me into a psycho ward of some sort because I'm not healthy. But I am, and I know I am because I've dealt with the voices, images, and feelings for so many years now.

"Ma-Matt..." A soft voice whispered to me as I looked away from my shaking hands in my lap and to the skinny boy beside me. Dominic stared at me with worry in his now blue eyes and a blush on his pale cheeks as he tried to fathom a sentence. "What's the-the matter?"

"Nothing," I stated rather harshly as Dom looked away quickly and the shade of red on his face grew darker and larger. Sighing, I hid my hands beneath my legs to make them settle down and glanced to the ground before looking to the blonde haired boy sitting to my right. "Sorry, it's just I'm... tired. I'm sorry."

"That's what everyone says." I now turned my head to the tall brown haired boy on my left. Chris raised his eyebrows and said his sentence again before I set my jaw to fight back my rebuttal. "'I'm tired,' is not an excuse, Matt, and you know that. We see that you are restless but there's something else bothering you."

He was right, I shouldn't be making up excuses just to end an important conversation that someone cares to talk about with me. I shifted in my seat on the bench outside the clinic to look more directly at Dominic who still had his head turned away from me and was whispering something incoherent under his breath. He seemed to be talking to himself but I could only see his thin lips moving and no sound coming out of his mouth.

"Do you really want to know? Do you care to know?" I questioned Dom as he picked his head up from his chest and shut his mouth tightly in thought. He was thinking over my question and trying to find the right answer but I knew he wouldn't be able to listen to all of my problems, or only the ones that I was willing to explain to my companions. "I know you guys are here for the same thing as I am but I have something different than... depression or anxiety or whatever it is that's hurting you."

"Abuse."

"Self-hate."

"Mine can't be changed like yours can." Dropping my eyes to the ground, I leaned back in my seat and removed my hands from beneath my legs. I could tell that Chris and Dom were silently talking with one another as I closed my eyes and tried to welcome the pain from my head. "With everything that I've tried it doesn't work. They won't go away."

"What won't?" Dominic asked as I opened my eyes and shook my head. They will not understand and I know that they won't. Everyone that I have ever told about my hurting didn't get it. "We see the scars, Matt. Is that what you use to cope with the... things?" I nodded my head in response as I leaned forward onto my knees and held my head in my hands.

"We won't judge you by the way you try to get away from the hurt and pain. We all got our own ways." Chris placed a hand on my shoulder and stood up out of his seat. I looked to him and asked what he did to balance out the abuse he must get from others. "Pills. Prescription and stolen. And it helps more than you think."

"I-I starve myself," Dominic spoke as I turned my head and looked to him, seeing a gleam of disappointment in his light blue eyes. He looked hurt and it made me feel like he didn't want to starve himself just to stop the things that happen to him. "It's normal to do now. It didn't at first but that's all I know. Matt, you know you could tell us anything and everything that's hurting you, right?"

Opening my mouth to respond, I shut it again and hung my head as I let the light breeze brush through my choppy hair. I knew I could tell Chris and Dom anything but it feels like I can't, like something is holding me back from saying the things that haunt me. The voices come through now and whisper to me many taunts and powerful thoughts, things that I can't handle. I shut my eyes tightly and lean back into the bench feeling my head bang harshly against the brick wall.

"Matthew?" Mother breaths out from her position in front of me. I open my eyes reluctantly and see that the two young boys that sat beside me had vanished and that the sun is now halfway behind the horizon. Mum grabs my hand and rubs my knuckles lovingly as I stand up and slip my hand out of hers and place it into my jean pocket.