Torn.

Chapter Four: Foreshadowing

                  

As I was making dinner I continued to ponder the recent events of this afternoon. How could I be so oblivious to what was an obvious come on? I decided to shake it off and not worry, it wasn't that big of a deal, or so I thought. That night was rough, dinner was so awkward. I tried to make conversation to take Lauren's mind of the earlier events of the day, but she was still so somber.

"So, classes start next week ugh, you ready?" I said trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah" she said not even looking up from the plate of food before her.

"Remember when that kid threw up, omg that was so nasty it was like pinkish" I said feeling sick and regetting bringing that up especially because we were eating.

"I'm eating" she said flatly.

Great minds think alike.

"Babe, I'm sorry, I didn't know. please don't be like this" I said apologetically.

She still just sat there in silence not once looking up, but from what I could see she had the same blank expression on her face that she had earlier on that day.

"Lolo, please say something. I can't take this anymore" I begged, I always called her that when I wanted something from her and she once told me it makes warm and special inside when I say that.

It must've worked, because she finally looked up at me, eyes bloodshot and she looked like she had been trying to hold in tears and finally she opened her mouth to say something and then shut it again and got up from the table and sprinted to the bedroom.

I ate the rest of my food in silence, cleared up the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. I felt awful, like that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you get bad news or when you know you hurt someone you care so deeply for. I wanted to talk to her but I couldn't think of the right words and it was clear she didn't want to talk either, at least not now.

I laid in our bed that night trying to sleep, but I kept tossing and turning so in the end I just got up and went into the living room. As I laid on the couch I tried to make myself go to sleep for the second time, but every time I would doze off I would have nightmares of past events and I would wake up in a panic. I turned on the television to keep me preoccupied for the time being, but could feel myself dozing off again.

"Seriously, Mani?! I thought you loved me?! How could you do this?!"

"Relax, babe. Its not cheating if I wasn't aware of what I was doing"

"What kind of fucking logic? Its still cheating, you SLEPT with another person! How can we come back from this? What if this is the beginning of the end? I hate her and you know what? I HATE myself right now because even though you fucked up I'm still willing to forgive you I still fucking love you! Why the fuck do I still care after all you put me through?! You know something?! What's even more fucked up is you don't even seem to give a shit!"

"Baby, I didn't say tha---

"FUCK YOU!"

I sat up on the couch again and I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I remember that day so vividly even though up to now we've both tried so hard to forget about it. But that doesn't mean it still didn't happen. Lauren hasn't really been the same since that day, she's not really the type to talk about her feelings and that's an extremely touchy subject. I remember the hurt in her voice, the look on her face as she looked at me almost unsure of who I was.

We didn't speak for weeks after that day and I was sure it was over between us. I cried every single day in those weeks; wondering how I could be so stupid to lose the best thing I had. I regretted even having started a friendship with Camila in the first place. Lauren had told me she had a bad feeling about her, and I was too stupid to listen. I can be such a hardhead sometimes, and in this case not only did it almost lead to the demise of my relationship, but it changed everything and gave my girlfriend trust issues.

When we got back together, Lauren would fear me going out anywhere and she would constantly text me whenever I went anywhere without her. I remember we were at the mall one time and this girl smiled at me and Lauren damn near got us kicked out. I couldn't blame her, but at the same time I didn't fully understand why she was acting that way. Now laying on this couch in our shared apartment, all these emotions were hitting me at once.

I was mess, I was praying I wouldn't wake Lauren up, if she saw me like this I'd feel even worse. I didn't feel like it was in my place to cry. I caused all this, my selfish actions had repercussions. Why did I hang out with Dinah before getting to know her a little better, sure it was a harmless outing. Or so I thought. But I sort of could tell she thought I was attractive, and perhaps the way I was distancing myself from Lauren didn't help the situation either.

I got up and went to the kitchen and fixed myself a glass of juice and just sat at the table and stared into the distance.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm doing what you want me to do"

"I never said—

"Oh come on Mani, ever since the first day we met you been throwing subtle hints at me that you wanted this to happen"

"I really haven't...I really don—

"Yes you have, now shut up... You like that, don't you? You know you like it, you're lips are so soft. You like the way I'm kissing you? You want me to stop?"

"No...Yes, wait no"

"You're hilarious, ugh and you're so beautiful. I want us to be together, I want to fuck you so badly. You know that don't you...of course you do or wouldn't be here underneath me haha"

"I do, I do, I love you so much, Lauren"

"I'm Dinah, babe. You want me remember, now let kiss those lips"

I shot up again and this time feeling absolutely disgusted and not just because juice had spilled all over the table and the side of my face was wet, but how could I have dreamt such a thing? Did I really have those feelings for her? I needed to desperately talk to Lauren, but what would I say that I haven't said already? Plus, I couldn't tell her that I'm having sex dreams about our neighbor who clearly has a thing for me.

I was quickly taken out of my deep thought when I heard my phone buzz suddenly, I looked over at the clock on the microwave and it read: '3:05'. Wondering who would be calling me this late, or rather early, I got up and as I saw the name 'Dinah' across the top of the screen.  I shuddered and my heart nearly stopped. Why would she be calling me right now? I thought to myself and 'Camila 2.0' starting playing over in my mind. I was trying to ignore it and before I could decide what to do the phone stopped, which I was glad about.

I walked back over to the kitchen and grabbed a cloth to clean up the table, a million things still running through my mind and one new one. What did she want? Hadn't she done enough? At one point she even had me doubting if Lauren was sure of she saw, but I quickly dismissed that thought from my mind. I finished cleaning and just stood by the counter top, afraid of falling asleep again I grabbed my phone and scrolled through my twitter timeline in hope that I would find something comedic enough to take my mind off of everything that was going through my mind. I couldn't take another flashback-nightmare or whatever those were. Suddenly I heard singing and realized it was me:

And I got way too many feels, way too much emotion. I don't know even know what's real, I just say fuck it keep on going and I get deeper I get deeper yeah I feel I'm rolling. I can see you, I can see you I don't know I think I'm rolling.

I sometimes do that especially when I'm really bummed or stressed about something, but the fact that I subconsciously choose to sing that song was chilling. Not just because I didn't realize I was singing aloud or the fact that I didn't recognize my own voice. It was Lauren's favorite song at the moment and it was all starting to make sense why she had suddenly started playing it nonstop recently. Was she trying to tell me something? I needed sleep and first thing in the morning I needed to talk to Lauren.

**

A/N: I wonder what the chapter means? hehe

PS: Lauren's favorite song aka the song Normani was singing is 'Feels" by Kiiara