A Letter to Myself

Messing It Up

I started the new week with the usual routine: finding a math buddy to correct my homework.

Except for Mr. Marshal didn't have to find one for me today.

I stared off into space while the class found their usual partners. I kind of hoped that Mr. Marshal would pair me up with Brianna today. She seemed nice enough, even if she gossiped a lot. She was probably mean to Melissa last year because Melissa was mean first.

Within moments, I spotted Brianna’s long, golden hair; she was on the other side of the room with her friends. Guess I couldn’t work with her today.

A few desks away from Brianna, there was a girl sitting by herself, seemingly drawing on her paper. She looked familiar- where had I seen her before? Would she recognize me if I talked to her?

Before I could find some excuse to not go by her, I nervously headed to the girl’s desk. After all, we both didn’t have a partner, and I was sure Mr. Marshal was more than tired of finding math buddies for me. It was a win-win-win situation.

“Um…” This was all I could manage to say before she looked up at me, her icy glare making me freeze.

“Hey, I know you from somewhere.” So she did recognize me.

“Um, oh,” I responded, “Yeah, I think I—“

“You’re the one who bought that ugly painting yesterday, right?”

Setting her comment aside, I examined her face. Yep, she was definitely the girl from the sale.

“Um, yeah, that was me.”

“Huh, I guess I didn’t know you were in my class. Have you always been here?”

“Yeah… I’m Janessa, and—“

“Oh, well I’m Kate. And that painting you bought was like the only thing that wasn't my brother's. He moved into a dorm this year, so we were getting rid of his old stuff,” she explained, interrupting me again. “Most of the things we sold were his. He was a huge jock.  I don’t know why he likes sports so much, but personally I hate them. I sprained my ankle when I was gymnastics. I used to be in gymnastics when I was a kid..."

At that point, I started to tune out. There were things that I wanted to say, but I didn’t want to interrupt; if I did, Kate would think that I was being rude, and I definitely didn't want that.

"Hey! Hey!" Kate waved her hand in front of my face. I guess she was still talking. ”How did you do number nine?” Apparently she started working.

“Uh, sorry, sorry…” My voice simply trailed off, and I could already feel the heat rushing to my cheeks.

“So um, for nine, you do… uh…” Of course my mind was just drawing a blank.

I felt like slapping myself in the face. If I was listening to Kate, I would know what was going on, and I could answer her question. Instead, I ruined my chance of friendship.

"I-I'm sorry, I…" At this point, random words were just spilling out of my mouth. Fortunately, Mr. Marshal began his lesson before things got too out of hand.

I couldn't focus at all during the lecture. The only thing I could think about was how badly I messed up that conversation. I had a chance, and I blew it. Why couldn’t I ever get it right? Now Kate was mad because I wasn’t listening, Mr. Marshal would be mad because the homework corrections weren’t done, and I was mad at myself for every reason imaginable. It was a lose-lose-lose situation.

***

My two morning classes were finally over, and now I was off to lunch. I was searching for Melissa. Maybe if I told her about what happened in math class, she could give me a few tips.